Star Eds
by FruitfulMelonCauli
Summary: One rainy day, the Eds decide to reenact the Star Wars movie while inserting themselves in it... Gosh, I have a very, very, very, very, very bad feeling about this. May exaggerate at times. Will update every now and then. (Thanks for 1000 views!)
1. Secret Plans

_**Star Eds  
**_ _A New Ed_  
 _Chapter 1: Secret Plans_  
Author's Note: I came up with this idea while reading Paper Mario Eds by TrueSapphire. I wanted to do an Ed, Edd n Eddy crossover as well. I had recently seen The Force Awakens, so of course making a crossover with Star Wars came to mind. I have been working on this story since February, albeit with many holdups coupled with lack of motivation!

P. S. I wanted to keep the spirit of the original EEnE TV show, so please don't be alarmed if this story seems exaggerated with its descriptions at times.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ed, Edd n Eddy or Star Wars. (If I owned Star Wars, though, I wouldn't have edited it so heavily!)

* * *

One rainy day, the Eds were at Ed's house. They were terribly bored, and they were looking for something to do.  
"Oh dear," sighed Edd. "What on earth shall we do today?"  
"It better not be another one of Ed's horror movies," muttered Eddy. "I jumped out of my skin last time we saw one!"  
They looked all over the house for things to do, but nothing piqued their interest. They were running out of ideas when Ed popped from behind Edd and Eddy, wearing a Darth Vader mask.  
"Eddy, I am your father!" he boomed. Edd and Eddy screamed out of fright.  
"Don't you dare do that again, lumpy!" yelled Eddy.  
"Brilliant!" cried Edd. "I know exactly what we can do today!"

* * *

A short time ago, in a galaxy near, near here...  
STAR EDS  
EPISODE IV: A NEW ED  
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.  
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to yada yada yada... I think you know the story.

* * *

The Blockade Runner was fighting off an Imperial Star Destroyer over Tatooine. The Imperial Star Destroyer scored a hit on the main reactor of the rival ship, effectively preventing it from going further. The hit shook up the ship real hard. The floor was quaking, and crew members could feel the jolt resulting from the impact.  
"Curses, the Imperials are going to come any minute!" cried Edd, the ship's technician.  
"Mayday! Mayday!" wailed Ed, a rebel troop who also happened to be the Alliance's mascot. The two rebels were escorting R2-D2 to Princess Leia when the attack had occured. Alarms were blaring and rebel troops were running down the corridor. They put themselves in position, ready to intercept any Stormtroopers that might barge in.  
"Oh dear, we won't escape this time," muttered Edd.  
Suddenly, there was a clanking noise. It came from the Imperial Star Destroyer, which had loomed over the Blockade Runner and swallowed it. A different clanking noise, this time of running Imperial troops, could be heard afterwards. The rebel troops aimed their blasters at the door, preparing for the expected ambush. Said door was blasted open and Stormtroopers came pouring out at a rapid speed.  
Havoc was in the air as they shot back and forth at each other, causing quite a few casualties. It was an intense fight, but the Stormtroopers wouldn't stop coming.  
"Come on, Ed, let's get out of here!" called Edd. And the two snuck away with R2-D2 in the confusion of battle, dodging any shots that could have potentially struck them.  
As soon as Ed and Edd left with R2-D2, the Stormtroopers had finally overpowered the rebel troops. Following them was a tall man with an intimidating breathing noise in a similarly frightening mask and equally menacing suit marched into the ship, eyeing the corpses in the aftermath of the scuffle before marching on with the Stormtroopers. It was Darth Vader, and he had invaded the ship to find the plans the rebels stole.

* * *

Ed and Edd had successfully delivered R2 to Leia in a side corridor. She inserted a data chip containing the secret plans into R2-D2 while they stood nearby.  
"Ed, escort R2 to an escape pod," commanded Leia. "The Imperials mustn't get to these plans!"  
"Will do, Your Highness!" said Ed, saluting the princess.  
"Oh, and bring C-3PO with you. He might be useful if someone doesn't speak Basic."  
"Yes-sir-ee!"  
And Leia and Edd left to hide from the Stormtroopers while Ed went to find C-3PO.

By some coincidence, C-3PO was in the same corridor, also looking for R2-D2.  
"Artoo-Deetoo, where are you?" he muttered to himself.  
"We're here!" called Ed.  
"Thank goodness you're here, guys! I was worried that you got caught along with them!"  
And indeed, as they could see in the main corridor, the Imperials were rounding up rebel troopers here and there and bringing them to Darth Vader. The captured rebels had their hands up in surrender. Ed and the droids also saw Captain Antilles mixed in with them.

* * *

"Lord Vader, the Death Star plans are not in the main computer," reported a Stormtrooper. Darth Vader clutched his neck in response, choking him. Them he clutched Captain Antilles' neck while the poor Stormtrooper gasped for breath.  
"Where are those intercepted transmissions, and what have you done with the plans?" Darth Vader demanded. Ed and C-3PO winced, still watching from the side corridor.  
"This is a consular ship on a diplomatic mission," replied Captain Antilles, struggling for air. "We didn't intercept any transmissions..."  
"Well, if this is a consular ship, then where is the ambassador?" snapped Vader, snapping Captain Antilles' neck as well. Captain Antilles' head flew off, ricocheting off the wall. His body fell to the ground.  
Oh, I can't watch anymore!" cried C-3PO.  
"My eyes are burning!" wailed Ed, covering said eyes.  
"Search the ship until you've found the rebel plans and bring the passengers and their princess to me! And I want them alive!"  
"Roger that!"  
And so the Stormtroopers dispatched throughout the ship. One of them tripped on Captain Antilles' body.  
When the droids heard Vader issue the order to the Stormtroopers, they decided to flee. Ed was still peering out the side corridor entrance.  
"Oh, no! If they find the princess and the other passengers, they'll have our ship melted into a big puddle of goo like that liquid assassin robot in that one movie!" he said to himself before the droids got him away. However, a Stormtrooper managed to spot him and rallied a few of his comrades to follow the three.

* * *

Leia and Edd peeked out from their hiding place, eyeing the Stormtroopers headed their way. They failed to hide before they were noticed.  
"There they are! Set for stun!" said one of the Stormtroopers.  
"Oh, dear," cried Edd. "We've been caught!"  
Leia attempted to defend herself and Edd, shooting at least one of them down, but another stunned them. Leia and Edd were picked up and taken away.  
"Inform Lord Vader we found the princess and her steward," said another Stormtrooper.

* * *

"You imbecile!" scolded C-3PO. "You could've given away our position!"  
"Uh-oh, did I do something wrong?" asked Ed, abashed.  
"Of course you did, you nincompoop! If the Imperials find us, we're doomed!"  
"Oh, no! They'll take us to the woodchipper and turn us into tomato soup!"  
"Euggh! Oh, once we get caught, we're doomed. And it'll be all your fault, Ed!"  
Just then, R2 beeped at them before going in another direction.  
"R2, we can't go this way," said C-3PO. "We're not permitted there!"  
R2 blipped, explaining the assignment given by the princess to him.  
"A secret mission? To deliver the hidden plans? What-"  
"Cool!" butted in Ed. "I wanna go!"  
"Stay out of this, you smelly little cretin! Now where was I? What do you mean a secret mission, R2?"  
R2 buzzed at him, as if he was losing patience with his friend.  
"No, I'm not going with you!" 3PO replied.  
Just then, they saw a few blasts coming toward them.  
"Oh, this is bad!" cried Ed, picking R2 and 3PO up and carrying them the rest of the way while evading the Stormtroopers.

* * *

When they made it to the escape pod bay, Ed threw the droids into one of the escape pods and got in with them. He was gasping for breath.  
"Are you sure we'll be alright out there?" asked C-3PO while R2 activated the escape pod.  
"Uhh... Buttered toast?" replied Ed.  
"Humph! Give me a real answer, will you, you twit?"  
"There they are!" exclaimed one of the pursuing Stormtroopers, who had apparently persisted in their chase. But before they could round Ed and the droids up, the escape pod closed and was ejected into outer space.  
"Drat," said another Stormtrooper. "They got away."

The escape pod was floating on its way to Tatooine. From the Star Destroyer, an Imperial Officer spotted the escape pod.  
"There goes another," he said.  
"Shoot it," said his comrade to the gunner. The gunner tried to shoot it, but somehow the turret wouldn't fire.  
"We can't, the turrets have malfunctioned," the gunner said.  
"Stupid rebel scum... They won't be so lucky next time..." muttered the first officer.

* * *

The Stormtroopers marched Leia and Edd to Darth Vader.  
"Darth Vader," said Leia. "Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not stand for this. When they hear you attacked a diplomatic-"  
"Don't fib, Your Highness. You weren't on a mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies, and I demand to know what happened to them," Vader replied.  
"Excuse me, mister, but what entitles you to-" began Edd before he was cut off.  
"I don't know what you're talking about," lied Leia. "We are members of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."  
"You are traitors under the Rebel Alliance," stated Vader, losing his calm and collected demeanor. "Take them away!"  
And so the Stormtroopers escorted the princess out of the ship. Darth Vader and the commander walked in the opposite direction, discussing the matter of what to do with the princess.  
"Holding her is dangerous," explained the commander. "It will most certainly generate support for the rebellion in the Senate should anybody find out."  
"I've traced the rebel spies to her, and she is my only link to finding their secret base."  
"She'd rather die than tell you anything."  
"Leave everything to me. Send a distress signal and inform the Senate that all on board were killed. Then we shall interrogate her and her steward."  
"Lord Vader, the secret plans are nowhere to be found, and there were no signs of any transmissions made," informed another commander. "During the fighting, a single escape pod was jettisoned. A single lifeform was found, but somehow the turrets had malfunctioned, so he got away."  
"That escape pod must have had the secret plans stowed away in it. Send an attachment down to investigate. See to it personally, commander. There can't be anyone to stop us this time."  
"Yes, sir."

* * *

"How peculiar," commented C-3PO, looking at the Blockade Runner from the escape pod. "The damage to the ship doesn't look as bad from out here."  
R2 whistled in agreement.  
"Are you certain this thing is safe?"  
Just then, they felt the ship spin with a jolt.  
"Oh!" gasped C-3PO. Ed had pressed a button on the control panel out of curiosity. He looked quite peppy.  
"Cool, he commented. "It does barrel rolls!"  
"Don't touch those buttons, you idiot!" scolded C-3PO. But Ed pressed the button again. "Oh, this is so disorienting!"

* * *

Please, stay tuned for the next chapter! (And yes, I will introduce Eddy into the story in the next chapter.)


	2. Tatooine

**_Star Eds_** ** _  
_** _A New Ed  
_ _Chapter 2: Tatooine  
_ Author's Note: You guys have been asking when the next chapter would be coming, and now it's here! I apologize for taking so long to write this chapter. Anyway...  
Here are the reasons why this chapter took so long to publish!  
1\. School (Ugh...)  
2\. A cold (Got sick two weeks ago)  
And...  
3\. Lack of motivation! (Yay!)

Now, it's time to respond to the reviews! I will be doing this every time a new chapter comes up in any of my fanfics!  
Sachsm082: Well, it is only natural that 3PO would get mad at Ed...  
TafaniG: Hmm... Maybe I should indeed give the other kids a cameo. (At least, that is.)  
Glad you both enjoyed the first chapter!

P. S. If you're a Big Lebowski or Pokémon buff, I suggest you read my other story, A Dude's Rescue Team!

* * *

"Master Ed, where do you think this Obi-Wan could be?" asked 3PO. He, Ed, and R2 had finally landed on Tatooine.  
"Umm... Buttered toast?" replied Ed.  
"How could stupidity like you even exist?"  
"Uhh... I have something in my nose."  
"Humph! You never give me real answers when I want them! R2, do you have any clue?"  
R2 beeped with uncertainty.  
"You don't know either, R2? Oh, we'll never find this Obi-Wan!"  
To make matters worse, a heavy sandstorm brewed up.  
"Uh-oh. Big trouble!" Ed said as he put his goggles on. He could barely see the droids, and they became harder and harder to see as he trudged on.  
When the sandstorm cleared up, he could not see them at all.  
This is very, very, bad, he thought to himself.

* * *

"Ed? R2?" called 3PO, wandering the dunes. No response from them. "Oh, no, I'm lost. I'm doomed!"  
Pretty soon, he spotted some sort of land vehicle, known as a sandcrawler, approaching from far away.  
Oh, a transport! Perhaps I'm not doomed after all! he thought to himself.  
"Hello!" he cried, trying to attract the crew's attention. "Over here! Please! Help! I'm stranded! Please! PLEEEEASE!"  
The vehicle came closer and closer before stopping. C-3PO felt very overjoyed. He couldn't wait to be rescued.  
The door of the peculiar vehicle opened, and some strange creatures, called Jawas, came out to welcome him in. The ecstatic C-3PO got in hurriedly, unable to decline the offer, but once he got past the two Jawas, they stunned him from behind with an ion blaster. He gasped as he felt the jolt from the blast. Electrical currents coursed through his body, overloading his circuits before he "passed out." While he was unconcious, the Jawas pinned a restraining bolt on his chest before hauling him inside and shutting the door. They started their trek through Tatooine.

* * *

Meanwhile, some Stormtroopers had found the area where Ed and the droids crashed.  
"Someone was indeed in the pod," said one of them, inspecting the escape pod. "They must have taken the plans with them."  
"There's no trace of footprints or droid tracks," said another. "A sandstorm must have brewed here."  
"Yuck," muttered a third, eyeing the moldy piece of bread from the escape pod.  
And by dumb luck, Ed came back. He definitely looked like he had lost his way.  
"That was easy," the first Stormtrooper muttered.  
"Ahh! Stormtroopers!" cried Ed. "Run away!"  
He fled in fright, kicking up a lot of sand and blocking the Stormtroopers' view.

* * *

That evening, C-3PO was rebooted.  
"W-where am I?" he said anxiously. There were a bunch of droids he was unfamiliar with, and they were probably some of the most unusual ones he had seen. He hoped that R2 was in the bunch with these strangers, but at the same time, he was worried that R2 may have been gone for good.  
Just then, one of the droids came up to him. C-3PO immediately recognized the droid. It was like a needle jumping out of a haystack.  
"R2? Oh my goodness, R2, you're alive! Oh, I'm so glad; I thought you were a goner during that sandstorm!"  
R2 beeped with glee, having been reunited with his counterpart.  
"Wait, where are we going?"  
The sandcrawler travelled for several days through numerous sandstorms (Poor droids never got a break from them) before stopping outside a moisture farm.  
The door opened, revealing that the sandcrawler hadn't gotten out of the barren wasteland.  
"Wait... That doesn't look like a rescue center," muttered C-3PO, looking outside. "We're doomed."  
The Jawas came in, approaching him.  
"Please don't dump us back here," he begged.  
But the Jawas weren't going to dump him and R2. They took out all of the droids, including them, lining them up for the potential buyers to see. Then it hit him.  
"Hey, I climbed on to be rescued, not to be sold!" he protested as the Jawas called the residents of the moisture farm over. R2 headbutted him, as if he were telling him to shut up.

* * *

"Alright, fine, I'll look," said the owner of the moisture farm to the pestering Jawas. The man's name was Owen. He lived in the moisture farm with his wife Beru, his nephew Luke, and their adopted son Eddy.  
The Jawas took Owen to the sandcrawler, where they showed him the droids. There was a red R5 astromech, a blue R2 astromech, a "gonk" power droid, a golden 3PO protocol droid, and a WED-15 septoid treadwell unit, to name a few. The Jawas told the moisture farm owner that the R5 unit was on sale and convinced him to take it.  
"Sure, I'll take the red one," Owen replied. He turned to the golden 3PO unit. "And you, I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol."  
"Why, sir, protocol is my primary function. I am well-versed in many customs-"  
"I don't need a protocol droid. What I need is a droid who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators."  
"Vaporators? Well, sir, my first job was programming binary load lifters, which is not unlike your vaporators in-"  
"And I need to know if you speak Bocce."  
"Well, of course! It's like a second-"  
And Uncle Owen punched the 3PO unit because he wouldn't shut up. He decided to purchase this one as well.  
On the way home, the R5 unit broke down, so he got the blue R2 unit as compensation.

* * *

Eddy was washing the dishes when Owen came in with the droids he just bought.  
"Eddy, take these droids to the garage when you're done washing the dishes," he ordered before he left. "I want them cleaned before dinner."  
"Alright, Father," muttered Eddy, a not-so-subtle hint of annoyance in his tone. He stormed off to the garage after putting the dishes away. Was he ever going to get out of here?

"Where's Luke when you need him?" Eddy grumbled as he filled the tub with oil.  
Coincidentally, Owen had ordered Luke to help Eddy clean the droids. When Luke came into the garage, Eddy gave him a big slap.  
"There you are, Luke!" he yelled. "Where have you been!?"  
"I-I was at Tosche Station picking up some power converters!" Luke stuttered. Eddy was intimidating when he was furious.  
"No, you weren't!" Eddy snapped. "You were wasting time with your friends instead of doing chores! Now help me clean these droids or else!"  
"Alright, fine..."  
Luke helped Eddy lift the 3PO unit into the tub. The 3PO unit felt like it was droid heaven.  
"Oh, thank the maker," he sighed. "My joints feel much better now."  
"It just isn't fair," Luke pouted. "Biggs is right. I'm never gonna get out of here!"  
"Suck it up," muttered Eddy, scrubbing R2 vigorously. "I'm stuck here too... With you!"  
"Well, I can't believe it either. Every time I complain, you always get angry!"  
"Because I hate when you act like a whiny crybaby!"  
"So? I really can't help it!"  
"Well, try to! I can't bear it anymore!"  
"Excuse me, boys," said the 3PO unit. "You're disturbing my otherwise peaceful oil bath."  
"I think he's right, Eddy," groaned Luke. "If we're gonna be stuck here forever with each other, then we have to deal with it."  
"Agreed," sighed Eddy. He went back to cleaning the R2 unit. "Killjoy..."  
Luke wished the droids could do something to get him out of here.

"You know, we haven't introduced ourselves," said the 3PO unit. "I'm C-3PO, human-cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart R2-D2."  
"That's nice," mumbled Eddy sarcastically. "I'm Eddy."  
"And you can call me Luke," added Luke.  
"I see, Sirs Luke and Eddy," replied C-3PO. "Say, may I ask where R2 and I are?"  
"Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet it's farthest from."  
"Oh."  
"It's Tatooine," muttered Eddy, still scrubbing R2. "Gee, R2, you've picked up a lot of dirt. How on earth did you get so filthy?"  
Just then, he had stumbled across a recording of a woman in a hood.  
"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope," the woman in the recording said.  
"Oh, cool, can we watch TV on this thing?"  
"I'm afraid, sir, that you cannot do that using a droid," answered 3PO, rubbing his knee.  
"Thank you, 3PO," said Eddy sarcastically while the recording looped itself.  
"What's this?" asked Luke.  
"It appears to be from a passenger on our last voyage. This message seems to be for someone named Obi-Wan Kenobi, who I believe lives around these parts."  
"Obi-Wan Kenobi... Don't you mean Ol' Ben Kenobi?"  
"I beg your pardon, boys, but do you know who he's talking about?"  
"We don't know any Obi-Wan, but Ol' Ben lives out beyond the Dune Sea. Some strange hermit," said Eddy.  
"Say, I wonder who she is," said Luke, looking at the holographic recording of the woman. "She seems to be in trouble. I'd better play back the whole message." R2 beeped at him.  
"He says the restraining bolt has short-circuited his playback system," explained C-3PO. "Perhaps you should take it off. He says he might be able to play back the recording if you do."  
"Sure," said Luke. He got the wrench and told R2, "Now promise to behave if I take this restraining bolt off."  
Once he removed the restraining bolt, however, the recording disappeared.  
"Wait," said Eddy. "You said you'd play back the whole message, not turn it off!" R2 made an inquiring blip.  
"He responded 'What message?'" translated C-3PO. He turned to R2. "'What message?' Why, the one you just played, you glorified garbage receptacle!"  
"Luke! Eddy!" called Beru.  
"We'll be right there, Aunt Beru!" Luke called back as a furious C-3PO jumped out of the tub and chased R2-D2 all over the room, threatening him with the wrench that Luke just used to remove the restraining bolt.

* * *

"I think that R2 unit we bought might have been stolen," Eddy told Owen as he sat down.  
"What makes you believe so?" asked Owen.  
"We stumbled across a recording while cleaning him," said Luke. "I believe he said he belongs to somebody named Obi-Wan Kenobi."  
Owen raised an eyebrow at the mention of Kenobi.  
"We think he might have meant Ol' Ben," added Eddy. "I wonder if they're related at all."  
"That old wizard's just a lunatic," grumbled Owen. He didn't think very highly of Ol' Ben.  
"What!? Listen, Ol' Ben saved my life!" Eddy retorted.

* * *

It was long ago that the Imperials had chased a young Eddy all the way to Tatooine.  
"You're coming with us!" said the Stormtroopers.  
"Please! Have mercy!" wailed Eddy.  
"Don't make us destroy you," said TK-666. Eddy was scared to bits, helpless.  
"I-I surrender!"  
Just then, a man in a cloak showed up. He had somehow sensed that the kid was in danger. (He thought it was Luke until he saw otherwise.)  
"You will leave and never come back to Tatooine," said the man.  
"We will leave and never come back to Tatooine," repeated the Stormtroopers. And so they did as Eddy heaved a sigh of relief. "I could've sworn I had the feeling that Ben was here," said a young Luke.  
"Nobody came here," said Owen.  
"What about the boy who was being chased by the Imperials earlier?"  
"We'll take him in until we find his parents."  
"I have a bad feeling about this," groaned Luke.  
"I have a bad feeling about this," repeated Eddy in a mocking tone.

* * *

"I was lucky," finished Eddy. "If it weren't for him, I would've been dead!"  
"Well, good for you. Tomorrow, I want you to take the droids to Anchorhead and have their memory erased. I expect to see them working on the condensers up on the south ridge afterwards."  
"But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him?"  
"He won't. He died around the same time as Luke's father."  
"Did Obi-Wan know my father?" asked Luke.  
Owen's patience had gradually been decreasing while the boys talked about Ol' Ben, and now it had finally worn thin.  
"Drop it, boys," he said sternly. "That'll be the end of it."  
"I think these new droids could replace Luke," joked Eddy after a silence. "Much less whiny."  
There was another silence before Luke spoke up.  
"Uncle Owen," he said, changing the topic. "I was thinking about our agreement. You know, about me staying another season?"  
Owen turned his head toward Beru. He looked pretty worried.  
"If these droids do work out," Luke continued. "I would like to send an application to the academy this year. You know, the next semester before the harvest?"  
"Luke, you've got to understand," replied Owen. "Harvest is when I need you the most. Please, only one more season. This year we'll make enough that we'll be able to hire more hands and next year, you'll be able to go to the academy."  
"But it's a whole 'nother year," Luke pointed out. Eddy was getting bored of the conversation. He put his head down on the table.  
"Eddy, don't put your head down on the table," Beru said.  
"Please, Luke, it's only one more season," continued Owen. "I promise I'll make it up to you."  
"Alright," sighed Luke, getting up. "Come on, Eddy, let's finish cleaning the droids."  
"Luke can't stay here forever," Beru said to Owen once they left. "Most of his friends are gone, and besides, he's simply not a farmer. He's very much like his father."  
"That's what I'm afraid of," Owen replied. "I'm very worried about him."

* * *

Luke and Eddy went outside to watch the binary sunset.  
"Eddy, when are we going to get out of this place?" asked Luke.  
"Shut up," responded Eddy. "At least we have a nice sunset here."  
Tatooine's two suns disappeared into the horizon as the sky grew darker. Luke and Eddy disappeared as well, but into the moisture farm instead.

* * *

I know you guys are raring to see the next chapter, but I have school. :(  
Please expect chapters to come out about as slow as this one.

* * *

In Memory of Kenny Baker 1934-2016


	3. Enter Obi-Wan

_**Star Eds  
**_ _A New Ed_  
 _Chapter 3: Enter Obi-Wan_  
Author's Note: Darn! I was very busy with quite a few things over the past 5 months, and I totally forgot about this fanfic! Sorry to leave you hanging, guys! But now I'm back!

* * *

Later that evening, Eddy went into the garage to check on the droids. R2 had gone missing, and 3PO was hiding in a corner. Eddy turned him on with a remote. 3PO, his metal body clanking. He was shuddering, as if he had done something wrong.  
"It wasn't my fault, sir!" uttered 3PO. "R2 just went off on his own! I told him not to go, but he wouldn't listen! He kept on babbling about some kind of mission... His rationalization circuit seems to be malfunctioning."  
"Oh, joy..." grumbled Eddy. He grabbed the binoculars and ran outside the moisture farm while 3PO followed. He searched all over the horizon for R2, but he couldn't even find a sign of the plucky astromech. All he could find was a big soldier with one eyebrow being taken hostage by the enemy corps.  
"That R2 unit has always been a thorn in my side," said 3PO. "Sometimes, I can't understand the logic of astromechs like him..."  
"Yeah, yeah, who cares? I can't find him anywhere!" yelled Eddy.  
"Well, Master Eddy, perhaps we should go looking for him."  
"Are you crazy? It's dangerous out there! I'm not getting myself mauled by all those Sandpeople!"  
"How about we wait until morning?"  
"Fine, but if I get killed out there... You're responsible!"  
"Eddy!" called Owen. "I'm shutting the power down!"  
"I'll be there, Father!" Eddy called back. "That stupid droid... If Father learns R2 is gone, I'm gonna be in for it, and it'll be that stupid astromech's fault!"  
"Oh, yes, sir, he's the best at brewing trouble when he's around."

* * *

The very next morning, Eddy was in a very terrible mood.  
"Blast, I knew we shouldn't have taken his restraining bolt off yesterday!" he yelled. He ran to Luke, who was still in bed, slapped him in the face, and tried to shake him awake.. "Luke! R2's gone!"  
"Shut up," he mumbled, drooling. "I'm trying to sleep."  
Eddy was surprised to hear Luke say that.  
"You shut up," he muttered. "Come with me. We have to find him!"  
"Leave me alone..."  
"I can't! R2 could be destroyed out there! Besides, Father says it's dangerous to go alone!"  
"Alright..." Luke muttered groggily, getting up.  
"It's good you got up, Luke. Come on! R2's in danger! 3PO! You're coming with us, too!"  
"What, me?" asked C-3PO.  
"Yes, you humanoid hunk'a junk! Now let's go already!"  
"How rude!"  
"No talking along the way!"

* * *

When Owen woke up, he saw that to his horror, Luke and Eddy were gone.  
"Luke! Eddy!" he called. "Boys? Hello? Are you guys still around? Has the Empire taken you away and tested their new range of combat droids on you?"  
Beru was making breakfast when Owen came into the kitchen.  
"Have you seen the boys this morning, Beru?" he asked.  
"They told me they had to take the droids to the south range to get repaired before they started today, so they left early," replied Beru.  
"Well, they better have, or they'll be in big trouble."

* * *

Luke, C-3PO, and Eddy were riding in the landspeeder when Luke noticed something on the scanner.  
"Lookit, there's a droid straight ahead," said Luke. "Must be our R2 unit! Hit the accelerator, 3PO!"  
"I can't believe Mother and Father are still so credulous after all those years ..." mumbled Eddy as the landspeeder picked up speed. He was looking around nervously, afraid that they were being watched by Tusken Raiders from the plateaus above.  
A Tusken was aiming his rifle at the three when he heard a loud bang. He dropped his rifle and retreated, startled by the noise of the resulting impact. He ran back to his village to get backup. The Tusken Raiders rode on Banthas down the plateau, slowly but surely approaching the stragglers.  
"Oh, dear," uttered C-3PO. "The landspeeder has crashed, and there's no sign of R2 anywhere!"  
"Blasphemy!" yelled Eddy. "How are we going to get back to the moisture farm now?"  
"We're in for it now," said Luke as he spotted the lone Tusken. The Tusken's rifle hit him on the head with a bonk. "Ow!"  
Eddy looked at the plateau, fumbling with the rifle from the landspeeder whilst gnawing at his nails out of sheer terror. He was too afraid to speak.  
"There are several creatures approaching from the southeast," stated C-3PO.  
"The text already established that," replied Luke, picking up his binoculars as well as the rifle that hit him. "Those must be sandpeople. They probably took our R2 unit or something. Let's take a look."  
And then he tripped on a rock.

* * *

Luke peered into the macrobinoculars, zooming into the southeast, and periodically adjusting the device.  
"Well, I can see two Banthas down there, but there's no trace of R2."  
"You're not looking hard enough," said Eddy, throwing his rifle at Luke. "Gimme that!"  
He swiped the macrobinoculars from Luke, who collapsed onto the coarse, rough, and irritating sand. The sand was splashed in Eddy's direction.  
"Stupid sand!" Eddy started dusting off the macrobinoculars before a Tusken got up in his face and attacked with its gaffi stick.  
Eddy screamed, panicking, trying to defend himself with the two rifles he had. He was able to block the first few blows, breaking the rifles in the process. Now he was defenseless, but to his surprise, the Tusken started going after Luke, who got up and ran, but wasn't fast enough to evade its wrath. While the Tusken was chasing Luke, instead of trying to help his housemate, Eddy ran into a partly blocked opening in the wall to take cover. He watched in horror as the Tusken's gaffi stick connected with Luke numerous times before knocking him out. They mauled poor C-3PO to bits as well.  
All he could hope for was that they wouldn't spot him in his hiding spot.  
He witnessed the Tuskens bringing Luke to the landspeeder before proceeding to raid its contents. He was still too afraid to come out of his hiding spot, knowing how vicious they were. He had to think. Should he actually commit to attacking the Tuskens or should he just let them finish their raid?  
A Tusken turned its head toward Eddy, who immediately shrank behind the rock covering his hiding place.  
When Eddy peered out of the rock, the Tuskens immediately raised their gaffi sticks.  
He thought he was doomed, but suddenly, the roar of a Krayt Dragon sounded, scaring the Tuskens off.  
A figure in a sandy brown cloak appeared with the R2 unit the three moisture farm residents were looking for. He grabbed the wrist of Luke's body, hoping to feel a pulse. Then he checked Luke's forehead. Slowly but surely, Eddy approached the cloaked figure.  
"Hello there," said the man, removing his hood.  
"I-Is he alright?" asked Eddy.  
"He'll be alright, don't worry."  
They witnessed Luke's eyes opening. The man helped him up.  
"Now relax, boys. You've been through a lot. I'm glad you both made it in one piece."  
"B-Ben?" Luke stuttered.  
"The Jundland Wastes are a dangerous place. They are not to be trespassed even the most casually."  
"That's nice..." mumbled Eddy. "Now give our droid back!"  
He started charging at Ol' Ben while Luke tried restraining him.  
"What's R2 doing with you?" asked Luke.  
"Oh? Well, he told me he had a message from the princess to deliver."  
"So that's why R2 went missing... He wanted to find you! You're Obi-Wan Kenobi!"  
"Obi-Wan Kenobi... Obi-Wan... Haven't heard of that name in a long time... I haven't gone by Obi-Wan ever since I settled here..."  
"Well, is this droid yours?"  
"It isn't mine, and as I said, he wanted to convey his little message to me."  
Suddenly, they were interrupted by the sound of Tuskens drawing near.  
"We'd better get indoors. Although sand people are easy to scare off, they're threatening in numbers."  
"Oh no, 3PO!" the boys cried. They hurriedly gathered all the gibs and fragments of their friend and fled with Obi-Wan and R2.

* * *

"So, Ben, tell me about my father," said Luke, working on C-3PO's repairs with Eddy. They and the droids were in Obi-Wan's hut with its owner. All five of them were sitting at a table.  
"Alright," replied Obi-Wan. "...Now where do I start?"  
"Just tell us already!" yelled Eddy, holding a screwdriver at Obi-Wan.  
"Well, it is true... Anyway, one day, my master Qui-Gon and I were on a diplomatic mission with the Queen of Naboo to resolve a trade dispute beteen the Trade Federation and the Galactic Republic. We were going to ask our fellow Jedi on the Jedi Council at Coruscant when our ship broke down and we had to make a landing here on Tatooine to make some repairs. We went to a junk dealer, who had the parts we needed, but unfortunately, we couldn't afford the parts. That was also when we found a young slave who worked for the junk dealer. That child happened to be your father. He did not have a father of his own, only a mother. Because of his unusual conception, as well as a strong presence of the Force within him, we knew this boy would be very promising."  
Eddy was tapping his fingers on the table. He did not want to hear all this garbage.  
"What was my father like?" asked Luke.  
"At a young age, your father had exceptional talent. He was a good podracer and a great engineer, and in fact, he built you, 3PO."  
"But I don't know my maker," C-3PO said.  
"That doesn't matter right now. Anyway, my master entered the boy in a podrace and made a bet with the junk dealer in which we gained the parts and the boy's freedom if he won the podrace..."

* * *

Obi-Wan raved about his time with Luke's father for a very long time. He talked about how the Jedi Council was reluctant to train the boy at first, and then about how said boy won the Republic their victory against the Trade Federation, as well as how he became a Jedi knight who fought in the Clone Wars. He incandescently talked about how Luke's father was the best starpilot in the galaxy and how cunning he was. Eddy had already finished repairing C-3PO. Now he had his head down, and he was fast asleep.  
"Come on," said Luke. "My father didn't fight in a war! He was a navigator on a spice freighter."  
"Well, that's what your uncle wanted you to believe. He didn't approve of your father's ideals... Thought he should've stayed here and not gotten involved..."  
"Yeah, I wish I knew my father..."  
"Well, naturally... As I said many times already, he was-"  
"Yeah, yeah, don't need to say it again, old man..." deadpanned Eddy.  
"Alright, Eddy... Anyway, Luke, I see you have become a rather formidable pilot yourself. You're just like your father. He was a good friend of mine... Now that I think of it... I have something for you..."  
He went to a chest and pulled out a peculiar object.  
"Your father wanted you to have it when you grew older, but your uncle was afraid you might follow Ol' Ben on some dang-crazy idealistic crusade like your father did."  
"Sir, if you don't need me, I'll be closing down for a bit," C-3PO told Luke and Eddy. "I'm running low on power."  
When C-3PO shut down, Obi-Wan threw the lightsaber at Luke, smacking him in the face.  
"This is a lightsaber. The weapon of a Jedi knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster... Or you, for a matter of fact."  
Eddy snickered at Ol' Ben's comment. Obi-Wan just ignored him. He grabbed another lightsaber from the chest and presented it to Eddy.  
"And this is the lightsaber of my master. Normally, I wouldn't give it away to anybody, seeing how special he is to me, but I don't really have any other lightsabers..." Then Obi-Wan whispered in Eddy's ear, "Give it back to me when you're done," before continuing, "Yes, an elegant weapon for a more civilized age."  
He was rambling about the Jedi Order and how for millenniums, they were the guardians of peace and justice in the Republic before the rise of the Empire when Luke and Eddy ignited their lightsabers and started mock-dueling.  
Obi-Wan looked at their mock-fight with strong disapproval.  
"I'm going to ask you to hand them over if you can't treat them properly. The lightsaber is not a toy. It is a dangerous weapon that can cut things."  
"Killjoy," muttered Eddy, as he and Luke shut off their lightsabers. "Also, how come I don't get as many lines as Luke does in this chapter?"  
"...Because this is about Luke's father," said Obi-Wan. "Plus, I can't tell you much about your father."  
"What happened to my father?" asked Luke as Eddy put his head down on the table.  
"A young Jedi named Darth Vader, a pupil of mine until he turned to evil," Obi-Wan explained. "Betrayed and murdered not only your father, but many of his friends in the old Republic as well, including Eddy's father, and helped the Empire hunt down and obliterate the Jedi Order. Now the Jedi are all but extinct... And Darth Vader was seduced by the Sith Lords of the Dark Side of the Force..."  
"Who was Darth Vader anyway?" asked Eddy.  
"That is another story for another time."  
"And what is the Force?" asked Luke.  
"The Force is an energy field created by all living things. It grants the Jedi their power and binds us all together."  
Eddy's head perked up once more once he heard about the Force.  
"Now, R2," said Obi-Wan. "Play that message."  
"Well, earlier, we found part of a message-" began Eddy before he was cut off by the actual message.  
"General Kenobi," began the hooded figure while a soldier and a mechanic were running wildly, panicking. "Years ago you served my father, Bail Organa, in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire."  
"Script copy much?" asked Eddy as the soldier and mechanic crashed into the princess.  
"I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in-"  
"The ship has fallen under attack!" wailed the soldier. "This is bad... This is-"  
"Quiet! Ahem, as he said, our ship has fallen under attack, and I am afraid our mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed."  
"The princess has stowed away information of the utmost importance to the rebellion in the data systems of this R2 unit," said the mechanic.  
"You must see this droid delivered to my father on Alderaan at all costs. Please, this is our most desperate hour," finished the hooded figure. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope."  
The hooded figure did an inserting motion before the recording cut off. Obi-Wan, Luke, and Eddy exchanged glances.  
"If you are to come with me to Alderaan, you must learn the ways of the Force," said Obi-Wan.  
"...Won't the Empire have the three of us hunted down and killed if we become Jedi?" asked Eddy.  
"Don't worry, they won't find out."  
"Plus, we can't go to Alderaan. We've gotta go home! My parents are so gonna kill us..." Eddy turned to R2-D2. "And it'll be your fault, you stupid astromech!"  
R2 electrocuted Eddy in response.  
"Please, I need your help, young Eddy. She needs your help. I'm getting too old to do this alone."  
"What about me?" asked Luke. Obi-Wan kicked his knee.  
"You... can just go home."  
"I'd love to get involved," continued Eddy. "I hate the Empire with a burning passion! But look, Ol' Ben, I've got a lot of work to do! I can't deal with the stupid Empire right now... Besides, I'll take a long time to get to Alderaan..."  
"That's what your stepfather would tell you."  
"Father... I don't know what to say to him..."  
"Come on, learn about the force, young Eddy."  
Eddy sighed.  
"Look, old man, we could drop you off at Anchorhead to get a transport to Mos Eisley..." he replied. "But sorry, we can't do that! The landspeeder is broken!"  
"Well, fix it up and do what you feel is right, young Eddy..."  
"...Please stop calling me that," Eddy deadpanned as he went outside with Luke to repair the landspeeder.  
"And watch out for the sand people!"  
"I know!"  
"You can come with us if you want," said Luke.

* * *

Princess Leia and Edd were sitting in a detention cell on the Death Star when some Imperial troops came in with Ed.  
"How did you guys even get so much material to build this crazy gargantuan contraption?" questioned Edd. "Much less the capability to destroy an entire planet?"  
The Imperial troops threw Ed in the detention cell before leaving to discuss the power of the Death Star.  
"Welcome to the party, monobrow," mumbled Leia sarcastically when the Imperial troops were gone.  
"Goodness gracious, Ed!" cried Edd. "I thought you escaped!"  
"They found me," sighed Ed in defeat. "I tried my best to flee like a chicken, but I was too slow..."  
"I assure you," replied Edd, consoling his best friend. "That the droids will make it to their destination."

* * *

For updates, follow me on Twitter!

 _Dedicated to Carrie Fisher 1956-2016_


	4. Burning Homestead

_**Star Eds  
**_ _A New Ed_  
 _Chapter 4: Burning Honestead_  
Author's Note: Yeah, I know. Short chapter. See if you can spot a specific scene or two that was not from the source material!  
Unrelated spoiler: Eddy is the landspeeder engine.

* * *

"Where's Eddy and Luke? asked Beru. "They haven't come back yet, and I'm really worried about them."  
Owen sighed.  
"Luke will be Luke," he said. "I tried my best to keep him off the path of his father, but alas, there's nothing we can do about it..."  
"Halt!" a voice cried.  
Owen and Beru turned to the source of the voice.  
"Where are the droids?" the stranger demanded.

* * *

"Hmm... The damage to the front looks pretty bad," mumbled Eddy, inspecting the crashed landspeeder. "Better check the inside."  
He opened up the hood. The radiator was a wreck, the antifreeze was leaking from the engine, and a few hoses and housings had broken. The transmissions had a few displaced gears, and the pins holding them were shattered.  
"Oh, joy. We're gonna have to patch this stupid thing up!"  
"I'll check the trunk for spare parts," Luke said. "Nothing we can't fix."  
"Well, fix the stupid thing already! We gotta come home and face my parents!"  
"Why do I have to do all the work?"  
"Because _you_ know more about engines than _I_ do! Now get to it!"  
Within thirty minutes or so, they repaired the engine and got it back up and running.  
Coincidentally, Obi-Wan showed up to see how the landspeeder repairs were coming along.  
"Ride's ready," mumbled Eddy. "And 3PO ain't driving this time."  
Obi-Wan climbed in with the two droids and the two boys.

* * *

Ed and Edd sat in the detention room with Leia. The two were listening in on the Imperial's conference through two pairs of headphones connected to a tiny drone that Edd built.  
"Hmm... Mhmm..." Edd mumbled. "Control through the fear of this battle station? Oh, dear."  
"Big Ed is never scared of big bully battle stations!" Ed yelled.  
" _Shh..._ " Edd reminded his best friend and confidant.  
They remained silent until they heard Admiral Motti gagging and Darth Vader finding his "lack of faith disturbing." Then they started shivering in fear, even after Tarkin ordered Vader to release Motti. Ed threw his headphones to the ground, crying while Edd patted him on the back, hoping to calm him down.

* * *

On their way home, Luke and Eddy spotted a ruined sandcrawler. Scrap metal and dead Jawas were scattered all over the sand.  
"What a massacre," quipped Eddy.  
"It must've been the work of the sandpeople," suspected Luke, looking at the gaffi sticks and bantha tracks. "But I've never heard of them hitting anything _this_ big before!"  
"They didn't," said Obi-Wan. "But the perpetrators didn't completely cover their trail. Look, the tracks are side by side. The sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers, so it couldn't have been them. Furthermore, the blast points you see are far too accurate for sandpeople."  
"...Then who did it?" asked Eddy.  
"It's definitely the stormtroopers," deduced Obi-Wan. "Only their blasts could be _so_ precise..."  
"Can't be. I've fled them numerous times before arriving here. I'd be dead by now if they were as precise as you say!"  
"Poor Jawas... They must've been the same ones that sold 3PO and R2," sighed Luke, looking at the dead Jawas again.  
"How on earth would you know that? The stormtroopers could have mistaken-"  
"Why would the imperial troops want to murder all these poor, poor Jawas?"  
Edy exchanged glances at 3PO and R2. Thoughts buzzed through his head. He remembered the princess' message. He remembered what the droids told him and Luke all about the rebellion. He realized that C-3PO and R2-D2 were from the rebellion! Then it all hit him.  
"Oh, no! If they traced the droids here, then they definitely learned who purchased them!" he yelped. He grabbed Luke, jumping into the landspeeder and speeding off. "Mother! Father! I'm coming for you!"  
"Wait! Stop!" yelled Obi-Wan. "Eddy, it's too dangerous!"  
"Shut up, _old man_! I say family first!" Eddy threw Luke's lightsaber at Obi-Wan's head. Obi-Wan used the force to direct it back at him, but it ended up hitting Luke instead.  
Ther landspeeder sputtered and banged as it rushed to the Lars moisture farm.  
"How are we gonna explain how the landspeeder got wrecked?" asked Luke over the knocking engine.  
"Why must you always whine?" snapped Eddy.

* * *

The engine broke down once more when they got to the moisture farm. Smoke came out of the moisture farm, much stronger than the smoke from the busted engine.  
"Mother! Father!" called Eddy. "Are you okay?"  
However, all he found of them were two charred skeletons at the main entrance.  
Luke and Eddy stared at the disintegrated corpses, mouths agape in horror. In the distance, a man with a jetpack fled the scene.  
"...Time to me to repair the landspeeder and drive you back to Ol' Ben, I suppose?" inquired Luke.  
"Shut up and do it!" hissed Eddy as his eyes watered uncontrollably. He was clearly distressed by the death of his adoptive parents.

* * *

Darth Vader and two Death Star troopers took a visit to the detention cell containing Leia, Edd, and Ed. When they stepped in, Edd hid the two pairs of headphones and put on a disarming smile. Vader was unfazed.  
"And now, your highness, we shall discuss some _private business_ with you and your cohorts," he sneered to the princess.  
Ed was trembling with terror when he saw the interrogation droid behind the Sith Lord. He started clinging onto Edd, who was also quivering. (Not only because of the interrogation droid, but also out of discomfort because Ed was quite dirty.)  
The interrogation droid employed several devices such as needles, electroshock nerve probes, and strangely enough, shampoo.  
"Whoever uses shampoo to interrogate is _clearly_ out of their mind," remarked Leia.  
"Oh, no! Shampoo bad for Ed!" wailed Ed, taking his helmet off to use as a shield. "I'm gonna die!"  
"Nonsense, Ed!" chastised Edd. "Shampoo is the key to-"  
"No more of this! We're about to get tortured!"  
To make a short scene even shorter, they were tortured rather terribly as the detention cell shut closed.

* * *

Eddy was bursting into tears by the time he and Luke came back to the sandcrawler. The sight of Obi-Wan and the droids having a funeral for the Jawas made him break down even further.  
"There was nothing you could do about it," said Obi-Wan. "If you had been there, you would've been killed too, and the droids would be in the hands of the Empire."  
"So I guess it was a good thing we left home to find R2?" asked Luke. Obi-Wan punched him before coming to Eddy in the Landspeeder.  
"Please, take us to Alderaan!" begged Eddy, his tears flooding the landspeeder and overflowing. "There's nothing for us here anymore!"  
"Don't worry, Eddy," said Obi-Wan, wiping the poor boy's tears, which wouldn't stop streaming. "I'll take you there and teach you the ways of the Force."  
Luke decided to take them all to Mos Eisley spaceport, the wretched hive of scum and villainy. They had to be cautious traversing the area, but knowing them, they wouldn't last very long... Or would they?

* * *

...And cliffhanger. If you've watched the source material, you'll know what happens next!


	5. Mos Eisley Cantina

_**Star Eds  
**_ _A New Ed_  
 _Chapter 5: Mos Eisley Cantina  
_ Author's Note: Was going to post this in March, but I decided to procrastinate a little. Sorry.

* * *

The Mos Eisley Spaceport was bustling with activity. Womp rats were scampering, and patrons of many different species were walking down the streets alongside droids as the smoking landspeeder sped by.  
"Hey, look at that busted up landspeeder!" hissed a Rodian.  
"Eww, who would want to drive that around?" sneered a Twi'lek.  
Luke ignored the jeers as he left the patrons coughing in the trailing smoke.

* * *

Luke, Eddy, and the droids were on their way to the cantina when they were stopped by some Sandtroopers riding on Dewbacks.  
"Hey, you! Halt!" they ordered.  
Luke did as he was told, and the Sandtroopers started questioning him.  
"How long have you had these droids?"  
"About three or four seasons..." responded Luke. "If you want them, they're up for-"  
Eddy slapped Luke before he could finish his sentence.  
"No! We were just... kidding! They aren't really for sale!" he chuckled nervously, trying to give the biggest grin he could. His face quickly turned into a scowl. "So back off!"  
"Let me see your identification," said one of the Sandtroopers.  
"You don't need to see his identification," said Obi-Wan.  
"You don't need to see his identification," the Sandtroopers mimed.  
"These aren't the droids you're looking for."  
"These aren't the droids we're looking for."  
"He can go about his business. Move along."  
"You can go about your business. Move along."  
And so Luke, Eddy, Obi-Wan, and the droids continued on to the cantina.

* * *

"Wow," Eddy said when they got to the cantina. He was very dumbfounded.  
"I thought we were dead back there," added Luke. "Not to mention the copied movie script."  
"The Force can drastically influence the weak-minded," explained Obi-Wan as 3PO got R2 off the landspeeder.  
Eddy looked at the cantina entrance.  
"How do you know we're gonna find a pilot here that will take us to Alderaan?"  
"Well, most of the best freighter pilots are to be found here," replied Obi-Wan as they walked in. "But you must watch your step. The cantina's a dangerous place."  
Behind them, the landspeeder exploded.  
The cantina was an extremely lively place for a wretched hive of scum and villainy. There was a band playing music, and patrons were drinking at the bar, snuggling together, laughing, and overall having fun.  
Luke and Eddy watched as Obi-Wan went to a patron and asked if he could speak to the Wookiee behind him.  
The boys decided to step forward with their droids, but the bartender stopped them. He sounded very grumpy.  
"Hey! We don't serve their kind here!" he chided.  
"What do you mean, they don't-" Eddy started before Luke put his hand over his mouth.  
"Your droids are not welcome here. They must wait outside."  
"Why don't you two wait out by the broken speeder?" Eddy asked the droids.  
"I'll do it, sir," replied 3PO. "I don't want to cause any trouble."  
R2 beeped in agreement as he and 3PO left.  
However, when 3PO and R2 came out of the cantina, they witnessed the Sandtroopers asking a man questions.  
3PO gulped. He thought it would have been better for Luke to get into trouble at the cantina.

* * *

Eddy tugged on the bartender's shirt when he and Luke sat down at the bar.  
"I'll have a root beer," he said. The bartender poured him a cup and served it to him.  
Luke couldn't help but overhear the many conversations going on.  
While Eddy was sipping away at his root beer, he saw Obi-Wan, still talking to the Wookiee.  
A stranger shoved Luke off his seat.  
"He doesn't like you," said the stranger's accomplice.  
"S-Sorry..." replied Luke. The accomplice stepped on his head like a football.  
"I don't like you either."  
"Hey, Evazan! Baba!" Leave my stepbrother alone!" Eddy yelled. Evazan kicked him in the shin.  
"You two watch yourself," threatened Evazan. "We're wanted men with the death sentence on 12 systems."  
"Umm... We'll be careful?"  
"No! You'll be dead!"  
Evazan punched Luke in the face.  
"These boys are not worth your harassment," said Obi-Wan, stepping in. "Come, I'll get you something."  
Evazan started unleashing an attack of rage on Luke while Eddy clung onto Obi-Wan. It was quite a big scene. Everybody was looking in their direction.  
"You will stop beating him up," said Obi-Wan, trying to use a Jedi mind trick to save Luke. Evazan didn't listen, throwing Luke into a table. Baba pulled out his blaster. Obi-Wan sighed, pulling out his lightsaber as a last resort, cutting Evazan's chest and hacking Baba's arm off. There was no blood pouring from Baba's severed arm, as the wounds were cauterized.  
After Obi-Wan put his lightsaber away, everybody went back to their own businesses.  
Eddy helped Luke back up. Luke didn't say a word.  
"Boys, meet Chewbacca," Obi-Wan said. "He says he's first mate on a ship that might suit our needs. Follow him."  
Chewbacca took Luke, Eddy, and Obi-Wan to his copilot.

"The name's Solo. Han Solo," the smuggler said. "Captain of the Millenium Falcon. No, you can't call me Captain Falcon."  
"Nice to meet you, I suppose?" replied Luke. Han duct-taped his mouth.  
"Chewie told me you're looking for a way to get to Alderaan," Han continued.  
"If it's a fast ship, them yes, indeed," said Obi-Wan.  
"You clearly haven't heard of the Millenium Falcon," smirked Han.  
"Well, should I have?"  
"No, duh! The Millenium Falcon made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. It's outrun imperial starships... No, not the local bulk-cruisers, but the big Corellian ships. Yes, she's fast enough for everybody, old man."  
They discussed their voyage to Alderaan. Obi-Wan told Han he was going to bring passengers only: Himself, Luke, Eddy, and the droids. They wanted to minimize confrontations with the Empire, but Han said it would cost extra. Han asked for 10,000 credits, all in advance, but Luke and Eddy complained that they could buy a ship for themselves with that money. Obi-Wan decided they would pay 17,000 in three installments. They would pay 2,000 before the flight, and 15 when they reached Alderaan. They would pay the rest later. Han agreed to the deal and informed them he would meet them at Docking Bay 94 before they left, evading the Sandtroopers that had just come in.  
"Wow. 17,000," Han told his companion. "How desperate could those guys possibly be? In fact, this could spare me some trouble! Get to the ship and get it ready."

* * *

"We'll have to sell the broken speeder," reminded Obi-Wan.  
"Yeah, whatever. It was a piece of junk anyway," said Eddy. "We'll sell it to some stupid scrapyard."  
"Yeah," replied Luke. "Plus, we're never coming back to this wreck of a celestial body anyway."  
Suddenly, an idea came into Eddy's head.  
"Wait! Not only can we sell this landspeeder, but we can also scam some peeps for even more credits!"  
"I don't think that's a good idea..."  
"Shut up, Luke. Go to the scrapyard with Ol' Ben and I'll set up a 'lemonade stand' right outside Docking Bay 94 where we'll meet up with Han!"  
"R2 and I will hide from the Imperials," said C-3PO.

But almost nobody was interested. They all laughed at Eddy's pathetic excuse of a lemonade stand.  
"What a dorky lemonade stand!" one of the passersby said. "Yo Nazz! Look at that loser! He won't be getting any customers anytime soon!"  
His companion giggled.  
"Yeah? I promise you someone will buy my lemonade, shovelchin!" retorted Eddy. He waited for minutes for another customer.  
"Sarah, what's that smell?"  
"Oh, it's just fishface. He's such a loser!"  
"Hey!" yelled Eddy.  
Eventually, a customer showed up at his stand.  
"Rolf is interested in buying your lemonade," the customer said.  
"Well, that'll be 1 credit per cup!" Eddy said.  
"Rolf will buy 2 cups!" The customer replied, intending to give a cup to his friend. He handed 2 credits to Eddy. Eddy handed him the two cups of funny smelling lemonade.  
"Thank you!"  
Eddy snickered to himself in satisfaction.

* * *

As Han got up, a Rodian confronted him, pointing its blaster at his chest.  
"Going somewhere, Solo?" the Rodian asked in a threatening tone.  
"Yes, Greedo. In fact, I was just going to tell Jabba I've got his money."  
"It's too late, Solo," replied Greedo. "You should've paid him when you had the chance, for he has put a bounty on your head so big that I'm surprised Boba Fett hasn't found you yet. On the other hand, I found you first, and therefore, I am better that that T-visored nincompoop."  
"Yeah, but I've got the money this time," retorted Han.  
"If you give it to me, I'll let you be."  
"Yeah, but I don't have it with me. Inform Jabba-"  
"Jabba doesn't want any more of your nonsense. Especially after that time you dropped your shipment at the sight of an imperial ship."  
"Listen, I was going to get boarded. Do you think I had a choice?"  
"Tell that to Jabba. He's had it with all your excuses." Greedo pressed his finger against his trigger.  
"Yes, I know," scoffed Han. "Now shut up."  
"You shut up, or I'm going to-"  
A flash enveloped the scene. Greedo's head fell on the table, his chest smoking. Everybody was debating about who shot first. Almost all of them pointed their fingers at Han. They were too stubborn to listen to the minority that said that Greedo shot first or that they shot at the exact same time.  
"Sorry about the mess," apologized Han. And he just walked out casually, tipping the bartender. He turned to the bickering patrons before he disappeared. "I don't know and I don't care who shot first!"

* * *

Ed and Edd put their headphones back on, after that torture session.  
"Why are you playing with these stupid toys?" asked Leia.  
"As Lord Vader left, I sent a second tiny drone, as the first one was destroyed during the torture session," explained Edd. "This tiny drone would attach itself to Darth Vader's cape, camouflaging with it in order to hide it."  
"Cool," said Ed, dumbfounded by everything that had occurred since they had first entered the detention cell.  
Ed and Edd heard the Death Star staff inform Darth Vader that all of the systems of the Death Star were completed and operational. They cringed as Tarkin proposed that they execute an alternate form of persuasion: They would demonstrate the full power of their station.  
"No! Not poor Alderaan! That's where all the good gravy is!" cried Ed.

* * *

After selling the landspeeder to a scrapyard, Obi-Wan and Luke rejoined Eddy. On their way, 3PO and R2 came back as well, and Eddy talked all about his scam.  
"...And that's how I got them to buy my lemonade!" he bragged.  
"If the Falcon lives up to its owner's boasts, then we're in the pink," said Obi-Wan as the boys put on their cloaks.  
"Yeah... He'd better put his money in his mouth, or else he'll be in for it!"  
However, they didn't know they were being watched by a shady figure, who called for backup through a comlink as the five entered Docking Bay 94, greeted by Chewbacca, who led them to the Milennium Falcon. Han was repairing it.  
"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts," grinned Han.  
"It's a piece of junk," remarked Luke.  
"Quit your yapping, Skywhiner," replied Eddy, despite secretly agreeing with him. "It's the best we'll get!"  
"Now, now, Eddy, no need to be rude," reminded Obi-Wan.  
"Stay out of this, old man!"  
"Wow, you guys love to bicker," remarked Han. "No wonder the author stuck you two together in this fanfic."  
"Just take us to Alderaan already!" the boys yelled.  
"Alright, alright, you don't have to yell!"

While they boarded the Falcon, the shady figure's backup arrived. He reported that their targets had headed toward Docking Bay 94. They loaded their weapons and went into the docking bay, where they saw Han finishing maintenance on his ship.  
"Halt!" the commander yelled. Han just ignored him. The commander turned to his troops. "Blast him!"  
Eddy watched from the inside of the ship. It was havoc. The sandtroopers fired at Han, missing miserably. Han fired back in retaliation, but they took cover. Han seized this opportunity to run into the Falcon and start it up.  
"I'm going to be sick," whined Luke as everybody buckled their seatbelts. He tried buckling his own, but one of the connectors was broken. He turned to Han. "Do you have a spare male connector?"  
"Suck it up already," fired Eddy while the thrusters started up.  
"Oh, dear, space travel," said 3PO. "I've totally forgotten how much I loathe it!"  
"And you shut up, too!"  
The Stormtroopers futily fired at the Falcon as it fled Docking Bay 94, penetrated Tatooine's atmosphere, and escaped the gravitational pull of the desert planet.

* * *

Soon, Chewie notified Han of a few incoming imperial ships.  
"Our passengers sure must be big game for the Empire," remarked Han. "I'll make calculations for the jump to lightspeed. Hold off the Imperial ships and angle the deflector shields before they intercept us."  
"Why don't you outrun them?" said Luke. "I thought you said this thing was fast!" "Shut up already!" scolded Eddy. "I've had it with your constant whining!"  
"Watch your mouths or you'll find yourselves floating home!" barked Han, mediating. The boys immediately shut up once he spoke. "Once we make the jump into hyperspace, we'll be safe. Besides, I know a few maneuvers sure to get them off our tail."  
The imperial ships started shooting at the Falcon.  
"How long will it take before you can make the jump to hyperspeed?" asked Obi-Wan.  
"It takes a few moments to get the coordinates from the navicomputer, then we're good."  
"You can't be serious! At the rate they're gaining on us, we're toast! How fast does this ship even fly compared to the 975 km/h on the I-Class Star Destroyer?"  
"Don't worry! This ship has a maximum atmospheric speed of 1,050 km/h!"  
"Do you seriously trust the specifications of your ship?" asked Luke. "Will the ship make it to hyperspeed before they pin us down?"  
"Shut up, farmboy! Traveling through space doesn't work like dustin' crops! Without precise calculations, we'd get mingled with something like a celestial body or a supernova, and then your trip would be over! Now go fetch me a drink of water!"  
Luke left to fetch his pilot the drink. As soon as he left, a light started blinking on the control panel.  
"We're losing a deflector shield. Fasten your seatbelts, I'm gonna make the jump to hyperspeed!"  
"We're already buckled in," Eddy pointed out.  
Luke came back with Han's drink.  
"Here's your drink," he said. "Does this mean you're going to cut the cost of our trip?"  
"No," Han responded, but not before letting out a chuckle. He activated the hyperdrive, sending Luke flying all the way to the back of the ship, screaming.

* * *

See you guys next chapter! (If I don't procrastinate on it, that is.)


	6. Enter the Death Star

_**Star Eds  
**_ _A New Ed_  
 _Chapter 6: Enter the Death Star  
_ Author's Note: ...And I'm back! Apologies for the wait, but here is the next chapter!

(Cripe, I've procrastinated so much on this dang chapter!)

* * *

The planet Alderaan was finally within the range of the Death Star. Darth Vader and the two Death Star Troopers came back to escort Leia, Ed, and Edd, who promptly hid the earphones for the second time, to the control room.  
"Admiral Tarkin!" confronted Leia when they got to the control room. "I should have known you were the one keeping Vader on a short and tight leash! I recognized that foul stench of yours when I was- Wait a minute... you smell like linen lavender! I take it back!"  
"Hey, nice slippers!" Ed randomly pointed at Tarkin's feet.  
"Thank you," replied Tarkin, smiling. "You guys are so charming I found it hard to sign your death sentence."  
"I'm surprised you even had the nerve to sign it yourself," hissed Leia, clenching her teeth.  
"Anyway, before we execute the three of you, I'd like you to attend the ceremony of the Death Star's first day of operation. No star system will even have the guts to oppose the Emperor now."  
Ed and Edd cringed, shivering in fear and clinging onto Leia.  
"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."  
Tarkin laughed.  
"They won't once we demonstrate the formidable power of this battle station."  
"Humph!" scoffed Edd. "It's impossible to generate enough power to obliterate a single planet!"  
"We'll see about that..." retorted Tarkin. "Anyway, we are going to choose your home planet Alderaan as the subject of our demonstration, as you three have profusely refused to tell us the location of the rebel base."  
"No! Alderaan is peaceful! We don't have weapons!" protested Leia.  
"Not only that, but Alderaan has the best gravy in the galaxy! You can't make it go kaboom!" wailed Ed.  
"What he means is that you can't obliterate a planet without fair justification!" explained Edd. "And besides, what you are trying to do is like dividing by zero!"  
"We can, and we will blow it up. Your protests and your logic are futile. Or, would you like to name a better target? Name the system!"  
Ed and Edd covered their eyes and tightened their grasps on Leia's arms.  
"I grow very tired of asking this, so it will be the last time. _Where_ is the rebel base?"  
Leia, Ed, and Edd looked at their home planet. It was in grave danger of destruction.  
"D-D-Dantooine!" sputtered Ed and Edd.  
"See, Lord Vader? We can make them crack under strong pressure." Tarkin turned to the Imperial officers. "Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready."  
"What?" exploded Leia. "My boys give you the rebel base, and yet you still plan to blow up my home? My friends? My family? My gravy?"  
"I'm sorry, but Dantooine is too far to make an effective demonstration. And don't worry, pretty soon, we're going to be dealing with your rebel friends."  
"No!" Leia and the two Eds cried. The Death Star gunmen turned knobs, pressed buttons, and pulled down levers, charging up the Death Star's laserbeam and blasting Alderaan into smithereens. The Death Star did, in Edd's eyes, what would have been impossible according to his logic.  
Leia and the two Eds looked very disturbed after the explosion.  
"And now the best gravy in the galaxy has gone kaboom!" Ed cried hysterically.  
"Alas, the power of real-life logic is nothing compared to the endless amount of possibilities in Sci-fi..." muttered Edd, before passing out.  
"Take them to the detention cells," ordered Tarkin. The officers obeyed his command, grabbing Leia and her helpers by the wrists and dragging them away.  
"Remember, you haven't seen the power of the force yet," reminded Vader.

* * *

Eddy, wearing a helmet with the blast shield down, was practicing with Qui-Gon's lightsaber against a training remote when Obi-Wan sat down with a look of despair on his face.  
"Are you okay, Ol' Ben?" asked Eddy.  
"I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions had cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced," Obi-Wan replied. "I feel something terrible has happened. Don't worry about me, continue with your training."  
"See? I told you I'd outrun them," said Han as he came in, carrying Luke's unconscious body over his shoulder. "You can forget all your worries about those Imperial losers. You're all welcome."  
When Han sat down with the grieving Obi-Wan, Luke woke up.  
"What happened?" asked Luke. "Where am I?"  
"Apparently, when I activated the hyperdrive, you were sent flying to the back of the ship," smirked Han. "Anyway, we should be arriving at Alderaan in about 0200 hours."  
While Eddy was deflecting lasers, Chewbacca was playing Dejarik with R2. He was getting very frustrated, losing to his opponent. 3PO tried to calm the Wookiee down, pointing out that R2 made a fair move, but Chewie left the table to vent his anger.  
"Let the Wookiee win next time. It's not wise to upset a Wookie," said Han while Chewbacca started pulling at Luke's arms, trying to rip them off.  
Eddy was focusing intently on his training, ignoring the ruckus in the background. He deflected the lasers with precision, but missed one, which flew towards Chewbacca. Chewbacca deftly dodged the laser, causing it to hit Luke in the forehead. Luke passed out once more.  
"Eddy," said Obi-Wan, trying to stand Luke back up. "Remember that a Jedi can feel the force flowing through him. It partially controls your actions, but obeys your commands as well."  
"You can believe all the things the deluded old man says, shorty, but hokey religions and ancient weapons will not stand up to a good blaster at your side. Trust me, I've been all over the universe, and I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever convince me that there's some all-powerful force controlling everything. It's all tricks and nonsense to me..."  
Eddy threw his helmet to the side and thrashed at Han, pinning him against the wall while Obi-Wan started training Luke.  
"Eddy, good Jedi keep their anger under control," Obi-Wan said, giving Luke the helmet with the blast shield down. "Luke, put this helmet on. Let go of your conscious self and allow the force to guide you."  
"But with the blast shield down, I can't-" complained Luke before getting cut off.  
"Oh, with the blast shield down, you're never going to shut up!" said an aggravated Eddy, turning to him. "Ben wants us to rely on the force to deflect these blasts, okay? Just start doing it already!"  
"On second thought, Luke," said Obi-Wan. "Why don't you take your helmet off and observe what Eddy does?"  
Luke didn't say anything as he handed the helmet to Eddy. Eddy beamed at him in response.  
"It's better to do than talk," he said, deflecting blasts while the old Jedi watched intently.  
"See how Eddy does it? He doesn't use his eyes to focus, rather he uses his instincts. He stretches out with his feelings!"  
Luke felt rather dumbstruck as he watched Eddy deflecting blasts with precision and ease.  
"You've got a long way to go, Luke," Eddy quipped as he gave the helmet back to Luke.  
Luke put his helmet back on and started trying to deflect blasts as well. Eddy was counting how many blasts Luke had successfully deflected. It was tougher for Luke, for some reason.  
"Well, you've beaten my record!" remarked Eddy.  
"It's just his luck," muttered Han. Eddy shot him a glare.  
"From my experience, there is no such thing as luck," said Obi-Wan.  
"Look, being good against a remote is not the same as being good against a living. That is a whole 'nother story."  
Obi-Wan crossed his arms in disapproval. Eddy looked like he was ready to break Han's nose any minute. Luke just stood there, confused.  
Then suddenly, a beeping sound came from the Falcon.  
"Looks like we're nearing your destination," said Han, going to the cockpit. Obi-Wan turned to the two boys.  
"Luke, Eddy," said Obi-Wan. "I believe you two have officially taken your first step into a larger world."  
"Yeah, and the remote wasn't so hard to see after all!" brooded Eddy.  
"I thought it was..." butted in Luke.  
"Shut up!" yelled Eddy, covering Luke's mouth.

* * *

The Imperial officers dragged Leia and her two helpers back to the detention cells. Ed was wailing over the destruction of his home planet and its signature food.  
"Shut up!" said one of the officers to Ed. "We've had to put up with your crying for long enough, especially since we got lost in the Death Star numerous times!"  
"Leave Ed alone!" snapped Edd. "If you keep talking to him like that, then I assure you he'll be crying for hours on end!"  
"You'd better shut up, too, or we're going to make your execution even more unbearable!"  
"Look, you can threaten Ed and Double D all you want, but you have to get past me first," said Leia.  
"Don't make me laugh," said the officer.  
"You three may rest now," said another officer when they reached the cell of the three prisoners, tossing them in. "And you will get to rest later... In peace."  
When the officers left, Ed and Edd got their headphones out of their hiding place and put them back on.  
"It's astonishing how the officers haven't already found our pairs of earphones and confiscated them," remarked Edd. "Much less finding that little drone I built!"  
They listened in on yet another Imperial conversation. The scout ships had apparently reached Dantooine, and found remnants of a rebel base that seemed to have been deserted for some time. They were currently running an extensive investigation of the surrounding systems. Tarkin expressed contempt that the three goody-two-shoes had lied to them. Vader remarked that the three were far too faithful to the rebellion to betray it. Tarkin ordered the immediate termination of the three before he noticed an odd patch on Vader's cape. Apparently, he had found the tiny drone. He ripped it off Vader's cape and Vader crushed the drone. There was nothing but white noise after that.  
"Oh dear, it was only time until Darth Vader found out about that drone!" lamented Edd.

* * *

Han turned on the sublight engines as the Millenium Falcon was exiting hyperspace.  
"Well, Chewie," he said as the stars seemed to decelerate. "Here we go."  
Suddenly, the Falcon violently shook as big asteroids started flying by, barraging the ship.  
"It appears we've come into a meteor shower; we'll be lucky if we survive this one."  
Chewie roared.  
"Yeah, I've never seen this place on the chart either," replied Han.  
"Hey! Smug-smiley!" yelled Eddy, entering the cockpit with Obi-Wan and Luke. "What is happening to this ship?"  
"First of all, kid, don't be rude to the pilot. Second, we're being attacked by a meteor shower. Third, we made it to the right position, but Alderaan's not there! It's been obliterated!"  
"What?" Eddy and Luke cried. "How could this have happened?"  
"It was destroyed by the Empire," said Obi-Wan. "I had the feeling when I sensed that disturbance."  
 _I swear, the more I hear from you, the crazier you sound,_ thought Han. "The entire fleet of ships can't have destroyed the entire planet. It would have taken thousands of ships with a ridiculous amount of firepow-"  
Suddenly, another beeping noise sounded. Another ship was coming in.  
"Please don't tell me the Imperial fighters managed to catch up with us..." said Eddy as an explosion rocked the cockpit and knocked Luke to the ground. Eddy gulped when he saw the TIE Fighter fly over the cockpit. "See? What did I tell you guys?"  
"Calm down, Eddy, they're short range fighters. No hyperdrive to catch up with our ship either, so they couldn't follow us if they tried," assured Obi-Wan, helping up Luke.  
"Well, if the ships chasing us couldn't catch up, then where did that one come from?"  
"There aren't any bases around here. I have as much a clue as the rest of you."  
The five stared at each other as the Falcon followed the TIE Fighter.  
"Well, wherever it came from, it seems to be leaving in a big hurry," said Luke.  
"We'll be in big trouble if they identify us!" cried Eddy. "Especially me! I've ran from the Empire for years until I was adopted!"  
"You won't be in trouble this time," said Han. "Chewie, jam its transmissions!"  
"It's too far out of range," said Obi-Wan. It's better to let it go."  
"I think not," replied Han, accelerating the Falcon and giving chase to the fighter.  
"I've seen many fighters like that while running from the Empire, and one of them couldn't have gotten that deep into space by itself!" said Eddy.  
"It must've traveled with a convoy or something like that, and gotten lost," suggested Luke.  
"Well, either way, he won't be around long enough to tattle on us!" said Han.  
Suddenly, a small moon came into the Falcon's viewport. It seemed to grow bigger and bigger as they approached it.  
"That fighter's headed for the small moon," pointed Luke.  
"I know, I figured," said Han. "I'm confident I can get him before he makes it there. He's almost in our range."  
"That's no moon, it's the metal jawbreaker with the crater that they call a space station!" yelled Eddy. "The Empire's most deadly weapon!"  
"It's too big to be a space station," said Han. "And how do you know what this thing is?"  
"I've seen it several times when I was being chased by the Empire!"  
"Ah, yes, the Empire must really like you."  
"Yeah? How would you feel if you were the son of a high-profile rebel and the Empire was after you?"  
"Uh, guys?" asked Luke as the Falcon neared the Death Star. "I have a very bad feeling about this."  
"Turn the ship around," said Obi-Wan to Han.  
"Yeah, I think you're right. We'd better go full reverse on this thing or else! Chewie! The auxiliary power! Lock it in!"  
However, the ship was still being dragged towards the space station.  
"Oh, _joy_ ," mumbled Eddy sarcastically. "They've finally finished this thing, and now it's pulling us in with a tractor beam!"  
"Well, can't Han do something about it?" said Luke.  
"Sorry kiddo, no can do, we're already at full power. All I can do is shut the ship down and deal with these guys. If they want to get me, they're gonna have to fight!"  
And so Han shut the ship down to reduce momentum.  
"You can't fight," said Obi-Wan as the Death Star appeared to swallow the Falcon. "You won't win. There are alternatives to fighting, however..."  
The Death Star troops ordered for Bay 327 to be cleared as they opened the magnetic field. Stormtroopers were ordered to their stations as the Falcon landed in said docking bay and the outboard shields were closed. Officers were going for a daily jog around the death star. Eddy was looking nervously from inside the Falcon, knowing the crew was in trouble when the troops notified Tarkin that the Falcon was captured. He promptly hid in the smuggling chambers of the Falcon, giving the others an idea.

* * *

Soon, Darth Vader marched in with an Imperial officer. The troops had checked the Falcon, unable to find its crew. They concluded that the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff, as several of the escape pods had been jettisoned into space.  
"Did you find any droids?" asked Vader.  
"No, sir," replied Captain Khurgee, the officer that stormed the Falcon. "If there were any droids onboard, they must have been jettisoned as well."  
Vader ordered a scanning crew to scrutinize the Falcon.  
"I sense something..." he continued after he gave his order. "A presence I've not felt since..."  
And he walked away with the officer who accompanied him without saying another word. Captain Khurgee called for a scanning crew to the docking bay to check said ship, but before that, he sent some Stormtroopers to check again while they waited for said crew.  
Luke peeked out of the smuggling chambers for a brief sec, but Eddy slammed the compartment door on his hand before he could see more.  
Thankfully, the Stormtroopers couldn't find a trace of the crew onboard, despite stepping on Luke's slammed hand, which immediately retreated into the smuggling compartment.  
"Ow..." muttered Luke when the troops left.  
"Jeez louise," said Eddy as everybody came out of the compartments. "I don't know what we'd have done if it weren't for these smuggling compartments..."  
"Well, I've smuggled many things in them," said Han. "But I never thought I'd be smuggling myself... This is ludicrous. Even if I could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam anyway."  
"If the tractor beam needs to be disabled, leave it to me," said Obi-Wan  
"Dang it, I'm stuck with a whiny, wimpy manchild, a rude shorty..."  
"Gee, how hypocritical!" snapped Eddy. "And why does everybody call me short?"  
"...and a sad fool who thinks he can solve every single problem with some oh-so-mighty force..."  
"Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?" Obi-Wan lifted Han with the Force.  
"Well, at least the droids were okay!" Han said as his head hit the ceiling.  
"The ship is all yours," said a short Stormtrooper, TK-423 to the scanning crew. "If the scanners pick up anything, report it immediately."  
The scanning crew brought up a heavy box full of equipment into the Falcon while the short Stormtrooper and two taller accomplices guarded the ship. Soon, a loud thud sounded through the bay.  
"Thanks for the 'gift,'" said Han to the beaten officers. He called to the three Stormtrooper guards. "Hey! Could you please give us a hand with this?"  
The Stormtroopers came into the Falcon, only to have the scanning equipment slammed into them. Blaster shots were heard as well.

* * *

...And cliffhanger! Sadly, I will have to go to college soon, and I won't have as many opportunities to write my fanfic as I did when I was in high school. (Although it's kinda my fault for procrastinating so much... But then again, if I didn't, it probably wouldn't be any better)


	7. Rescue (We've Waited Too Long For This!)

_**Star Eds  
**_ _A New Ed_  
 _Chapter 7: Rescue_

Author's Note: At last, here is the chapter where Ed, Edd n Eddy become a trio in-story! I have waited so long to patch this together, and I hope you are looking forward to this union as well!  
Now, I know I haven't posted anything in the past four months, but lately, besides college, I've been focusing on a few other ideas. (Don't ask why, I'll explain the story of that fanfic on its page when it is posted) But since I was currently on Thanksgiving break, and The Last Jedi arrives in theaters in about a month I figured I'd work on this a bit more. However, I waited until today to post this because I wanted to check with somebody whether I was too cruel to Luke or not. Plus, I had already worked on bits and pieces of this chapter anyway, so here it is!

P.S. Please don't ask about my new username, I just happen to like it better.

* * *

"How is this going to help?" asked Luke, putting on Stormtrooper armor.  
"It'll help us sneak past the rest of the troops," explained Han, also putting on armor.  
"But what if Eddy kicks me around like he always does? They'll have us figured out!"  
"Come on, Luke, you're coming with us, like it, or not!" yelled Eddy, already with his armor on.  
"Shh, shh, shh..." whispered Han angrily. "They'll hear us if you two keep bickering like that!"

* * *

"TK-421, why aren't you at your post?" said Treidum, a gantry officer, sitting in his office. He paused. "TK-421, do you copy?"  
"Come on!" whispered "TK-423" to "TK-421." "Get out already!"  
Treidum looked into the docking bay to find "TK-421" literally getting kicked out of the Falcon by "TK-423" and having the equipment box pushed into him.  
"That's odd. TK-423 wasn't that unfriendly before... He must be having a very, very bad day. Anyway, TK-421, do you read me?"  
"TK-421" tapped his comlink to tell the officer that it was "broken."  
"Take over for me," Treidum told his coworker. "I have a faulty transmitter to deal with."  
But he was in for a surprise, for when he opened the door out of the commanding office, he and his coworker were ambushed by "TK-421," "TK-422," and "TK-423," with Chewbacca, Obi-Wan, and the droids following behind, not attacking. Both officers were killed in the skirmish.  
The three "Stormtroopers," Chewbacca, Obi-Wan, and the droids entered the office. "TK-423," really Eddy, shut the door and chucked his helmet at "TK-421" Luke, who dodged it while C-3PO and R2-D2 looked for the computer outlet.  
"You're lucky we made it out alive..." Eddy grumbled at "TK-422" Han before he raised his voice. "Because your blasting everything in sight and the throw rug's constant growling could've gotten us killed if they found out!"  
"Ha!" responded Han. "I'll take a good fight over stealth any day now!"  
"Yeah? Well-"  
"We've found the computer outlet, sir," 3PO told Obi-Wan, interrupting Eddy.  
"Plug it in," said Obi-Wan. "R2 should be able to scan through the entire imperial network for the tractor beam that's holding the ship."  
R2 accessed the network and found the main controls for said tractor beam. He immediately reported his findings before proceeding to get the monitor to display the precise location of the controls. According to R2, who was translated by 3PO, the tractor beam was coupled to the main reactor in seven different locations. If a single one of those terminals was disabled by any means, the ship would be able to escape the Death Star.  
"I must go this alone," said Obi-Wan as he left. "It wouldn't be a good idea to pull you guys along, for you might die along with me."  
"Go ahead," said Han. "I've already done more than I bargained for on this trip."  
"Wait!" said Luke to Obi-Wan. "I want to go with you!"  
"No, Luke," replied Obi-Wan. "Stay here and watch over the droids. They must be delivered safely, or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Alderaan. Your destiny lies along a different path from mine."  
"Are we reading off the movie script again?" asked Eddy.  
"Yes..." everybody else responded as Obi-Wan opened the door.  
"Eddy. Luke. Remember, may the force be with you," said Obi-Wan as he left, shutting the door on Luke's foot.

* * *

Chewbacca roared.  
"You said it, Chewie," said Han. "That old man is mad alright."  
"Yeah? Well, I'm mad that you insulted Ol' Ben several times!" snapped Eddy. "I mean, he's a great man!"  
"Great at landing us in trouble."  
"Great at many other things! Listen, Ben saved me from the sand people AND the Empire! You didn't!"  
"You're sure getting mad," grumbled Han. While he and Eddy were bickering, 3PO and R2 tried to locate Princess Leia and her loyal servants.  
"Of course I'm mad! I'm sick and tired of hearing trash about Ol-"  
Suddenly, R2 beeped, cutting off the argument.  
"What is it?" said Eddy.  
"He says he's found 'her' and won't stop nagging about it!" said C-3PO.  
"Who? Who is she!?" Eddy shook C-3PO.  
"N-No need to get mad, it's just Princess Leia!"  
"A princess?" said Han. "My day is getting crazier and crazier by the minute."  
"Where is she?" demanded Eddy. "Tell us where she is!"  
"Wait, hold on! R2!" C-3PO called. R2 pulled up the location of the prisoners. "Level 5, Detention Block AA-23. I'm afraid her execution has been scheduled."  
"Executed?" butted in Luke, who had freed his foot from the door. "We've gotta do something!"  
"Who cares about her?" replied Han. "Chewie and I got roped into this adventure because of you two and that lunatic!"  
"The droids belong to her and her servants! She's the one who sent the message through them! Look, Han, we've gotta help her!"  
"Don't try anything funny. The deluded old man wants us to stay here and watch the droids."  
"But he left before we found out that she was here!" said Eddy as Luke ordered 3PO and R2 to find a way into the detention block.  
"I'm not going anywhere," said Han.  
"What do you mean you're not going anywhere? They're gonna kill her, for crying out loud!"  
"Better her than me," Han responded. "Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind!"  
He turned his chair away. Eddy kicked Luke from behind.  
"Hey, Luke! I bet you all my credits that princess is wealthy!" he smirked.  
Han turned his head slowly towards the two.  
"Yup!" responded Luke, trying to go with what Eddy was saying. "And I umm... bet you all my credits she's umm... powerful as well!"  
"Yeah, I bet she can command servants without lifting a finger!"  
"And her servants might be super competent!"  
"Yeah, if we rescued her, who knows how much we'll get as a reward?"  
"Maybe more wealth than anyone could imagine!"  
Han jumped out of his seat.  
"Did somebody say _reward_?" he said.  
"You bet!" responded Eddy.  
"I'd better get that reward if I am to help..."  
"Oh, yes, you will!" Eddy grinned as wide as the distance between Tatooine's two suns.  
"You'd better be right... Now, what's your plan?"  
Eddy thought for a bit.  
"Kid, I don't have all day," Han told him. "Just think of the first thing that comes to your mind."  
Eddy nervously tried to come up with something before his eyes lit, having arrived at his solution.  
"That's it! I set up a scam to distract those Stormtroopers, and Han, Luke, and Chewie will blast all of them to pieces!"  
Han crossed his arms.  
"No way, we'll all get exposed sooner or later, and it'll be your fault. Plus, Chewie has no Stormtrooper suit. You, tall farmboy?"  
Luke searched frantically for something to help him come up with his plan.  
"3PO, hand me those cuffs," he said. "For the first step of the plan, I am going to put these on you, Chewie."  
When Luke approached Chewbacca, he was furiously pounded into the ground, accompanied by an irate Wookiee roar.  
"Let me," Han said. Chewbacca protested as he put the cuffs on. "Don't worry, Chewie. I know what he's thinking, and I'm sure you'll understand sooner or later."  
Eddy pulled Luke from the ground, only to get smacked by his body in the process.  
"So here's step two of our plan," said Luke. "We pretend to be stormtroopers-"  
"We already look like Stormtroopers, Head-in-the-Sky!"  
"No, no, what I mean is that we act just like they do so nobody will suspect a thing. _Third_ , when we get to the turbolift to the detention block, we will secretly free one of Chewie's cuffs. Lastly, we will pretend we are moving him to said detention block before we ambush the staff and rescue the princess."  
"...You lost me at the third part."  
"Sorry to bother you, Masters, but what do we do if we are discovered here?"  
"Well, just lock the-" Luke began.  
"Just run!" Eddy interrupted.  
"...door."  
"I'll just take Master Luke's advice. I feel like you guys underappreciate him. Especially you, Eddy."  
As they left, Eddy thought about how he treated Luke for a second before brushing the concern away.  
"If they show up," Han told the droids. "Just hope they aren't armed."  
C-3PO fainted.

* * *

"What will we do now that they found the drone, Double D?" Ed asked. He was quite frightened, being left in the dark regarding the plans of the Empire. "Soon, we are going to die the most painful death!"  
"Calm down, Ed," Edd told his best friend. "I'm sure somebody will come and rescue us... Or at least I hope..."  
"I don't want to suffer the same fate as Alderaan's gravy!"  
"Will you quit it?" snapped Leia. "Your outbutsts will convince them to execute us sooner if you don't stop crying!"

* * *

A mouse droid whirred through the halls of the Death Star as Han and Eddy walked like their enemies would, with Chewbacca in cuffs and Luke lagged behind, banging into walls, as he was unable to see through the helmet. Chewbacca roared at the mouse droid, scaring it. Soon, the four started passing by Imperial workers as the PA called Death Star staff to report to certain duties.  
They stopped at a turbolift, waiting for the Death Star trooper to come out of it before entering it themselves. They kept the door open for Luke, who thankfully managed to catch up to them.

* * *

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan hid from a marching battalion from Stormtroopers, moving cautiously once the coast was clear. He did the best he could to keep himself from getting spotted. But little did he know, however, that Darth Vader was lurking around, hoping to seize the moment to exact vengeance on his old master.

* * *

"Luke, this is not going to work," Han said as Eddy freed one of Chewie's hands.  
"Why didn't you say so before?" Luke asked.  
"I did say it before. You were lagging behind, so I told the short guy while we were waiting for you."  
"Why must you always refer to me as the short guy?" Eddy slapped Han's helmet. They began to fight.  
"I don't like your filling this turbolift with pessimism and aggression," Luke told the two while Chewie tried pulling them apart.  
Suddenly, the camera in the turbolift pointed towards Eddy, making him let go of Han and raise his hands in surrender. Han just simply blasted the camera in response.  
"I guess I should be thankful we pulled you along," grumbled Eddy. "We'll get the princess rescued in no time with your help."  
"Don't count on it."

* * *

When the turbolift reached the elevator, they had Chewbacca pretend that he was still cuffed, while still following the third step of their plan.  
"Where do you happen to be taking this... thing?" sneered Lieutendant Childsen. Chewbacca roared indignantly before Han covered his muzzle.  
"He's... We're transferring him here from Cell Block 1138!" Eddy grinned nervously.  
"I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it."  
Childsen motioned for the Death Star troopers guarding the hall of cells to apprehend Chewbacca. They approached him, holding out their blaster pistols in a ready stance.  
"And TK-423, we've been hearing about your grouchy attitude all day. What's been up with you lately? Unless..." He immediately pulled Eddy's helmet off. "Take care of this impostor first, boys. I'll deal with the prisoner later."  
Chewbacca immediately threw his fist into the Death Star troopers approaching Eddy.  
"Look out! He's loose!" Han yelled, still pretending to be a Stormtrooper. Luke pretended to scream as he ran all over the room, banging into the wall and revealing his face. Han pretended to shoot at Chewbacca, deliberately missing as he hit one of the security cameras.  
After that, the pretending was over. Luke, Eddy, and Chewbacca joined the fight, blasting away at the staff and security equipment. It was mayhem in the detention block's control center. In the confusion of battle, however, Childsen activated an alarm switch, but not before getting shot several times.

* * *

The chaos in the detention area's control area had managed to frighten Ed and Edd.  
"Curses!" exclaimed Edd. "What's with all the violence outside?"  
"What will we do, Double D?" Ed asked him.  
"We just have to make ourselves scarce!"  
"No, you dolts!" replied Leia. "It appears that somebody's coming to rescue us!"

* * *

Once the staff in the room were all eliminated, Eddy and Luke got their helmets back on. They headed to the control panel, which had started beeping when the alarm was activated.  
"Okay, boys, let's find out which cell your princess is being held in," said Han, checking the readout. "Here it is. Cell 2187. Chewie and I will hold the troops at bay while you go and get her."  
"Pretty chick princess, here I come!" Eddy yelled as he sped down the detention hall.  
"Wait for me!" Luke panted, lagging behind.  
"The situation's under control. Everything's back to normal now," Han said into the comlink.  
"What happened?" questioned the staff member on the other side of the line.  
"It was a weapons malfunction, but, uhh... we're fine. We're all fine now, thanks for your concern. By the way, how are you?"  
"What do you think you're doing?" Eddy asked Han, turning around. Han was too wrapped up in trying to distract the staff member to respond to Eddy.

* * *

"You were such a sloppy yet tasty homeworld dish, and you were the best of gravy in the entire galaxy... Oh, Alderaanian gravy, may you rest in peace with Jin Erso and all the rebels who sacrificed their lives to get the secret plans to the Death Star!" Ed finished eulogizing about the gravy of his home planet, trying to calm himself down.  
"How many times did he say 'gravy?'" Leia asked Edd.

* * *

"We're sending a squad up to your area."  
"Uh, negative! We have a little, uh, reactor leak here. Please wait a few minutes while we lock it down. It's a large leak. Very dangerous."  
"Who is this? What is your operating number?"  
Han immediately blasted the comlink.  
"Boring conversation anyway..." he grumbled before he hollered into the detention bay. "Luke! Eddy! Hurry! We're gonna have company!"  
"Who even cares as long as I beat Luke? Come on, Luke, let's greet the princess!"  
He immediately opened the cell door, where Leia was lying down, with earplugs stuck in her hairbuns. She got up, looking at Luke apprehensively.  
"Say, aren't you a little short to be a Stormtrooper?" she asked. "And your friend seems _far_ too short to be one."  
"Short!? Who do you think-" snapped Eddy, throwing his helmet to the ground before Ed cut him off.  
"Who are you guys?" Ed asked, wearing Edd's hat.  
"I'm Luke Skywal-" said Luke, also taking off his helmet.  
"Hi, I'm Eddy! Whatcha three doin' waitin' for the Empire to execute ya?"  
"Greetings, Luke. Greetings, Eddy," Edd butted in, taking his hat back from Ed and spraying it with sanitizer before proceeding to shake the hands of the two farmhands. "I'm so glad you came! I'm Edd, with two Ds, and-"  
"Alright, sockhead, shut up," said Eddy as Ed hugged him and Luke. "Humph. You're just like 3PO."  
"I'm Ed!" Ed grinned as he ran to hug Eddy and Luke. "Our saviors, Eddy and Luke have arrived!"  
"Huh?" Luke asked in confusion.  
"Say, what are you two here for?" asked a suspicous Leia.  
"Well, we're here to rescue you," Eddy grinned, trying to talk smoothly. "You see, we have your R2 unit, and we're going to sell it for-"  
"Never mind him," said Luke. "We came here with Ben Kenobi to deliver him to-"  
"Ben Kenobi? Where is he?"  
"Just follow us!"  
"Not only have they saved us, but they know where the king of chickens is!" Ed cried. Eddy eyed him, but Edd was overjoyed at Ed's cheery side coming back. "Soldier Ed is back in action!"

* * *

" _He_ has arrived," Darth Vader informed Tarkin. "And he has brought the son of my former friend-turned-high-profile-rebel, who I killed years ago for betraying the Empire.  
"This intruder is Obi-Wan Kenobi, I presume? What makes you so sure?"  
"I could sense a disturbance in the Force. The last time I felt this specific disturbance was in the presence of my old master, so I figured it was him. I also figured that the high-profile rebel's son came with him to avenge his father."  
"Surely they must be dead by now. Just like the Jedi. You, my friend, are the last of their religion."  
Suddenly, Darth Vader grabbed Tarkin through the Force.  
"The Force is _not_ a religion. It is a supernatural power, and the weapon of the Jedi and the Sith. It is not to be underestimated."  
"Okay, you've made your point..." Tarkin gagged. "Now you will release me..."  
Once Vader did so, Tarkin took some time to gasp for breath before the comlink began to beep.  
"Yes, this is Admiral Tarkin speaking," he answered.  
"We have an emergency in Detention Block AA-23," reported the staff member on the other line  
"The princess and her servants escaped? Put all sections on alert, pronto. As for you, Lord Vader, if you're right about Obi-Wan and the high-profile rebel's son being here, they must not escape."  
"Escape is not his plan. He is here to assist the rebellion in their plan to overthrow the Empire. I must intercept him immediately."  
And Darth Vader left the conference room.

* * *

Chewbacca could hear a noise coming from inside the turbolift. He immediately warned Han about it.  
"They're here!" gasped Han. "Chewie, get behind me!"  
The turbolift door immediately blew up. A deluge of Stormtroopers poured out the turbolift while Han and Chewbacca tried fending them off.  
When it was clear that they were outmatched, the duo retreated into the cell bay, where Luke, Leia, and the Eds tried to escape.  
"Stop them! Don't let them get away!" hollered a Stormtrooper.  
"Don't worry, we will have them cornered," said another. They're digging their own hole by going there."

* * *

Soon, Han and Chewie bumped into Luke, Leia, and the Eds, knocking them off their feet.  
"What do you think you're doing, mister?" asked Edd. "That's our only way out!"  
"You have doomed us all!" Ed wailed, grabbing Han's collar. "And right after we met our two new friends!"  
"You're gonna get us all killed if you don't get out of the way!" scolded Leia.  
"Then why don't we all go back in your cell, Your Highness?" Han bit back.  
Leia slapped Han before they were interrupted by a barrage of blasts. While Han, Luke, and Chewbacca blasted back at the Stormtroopers, Ed, Edd, Eddy, and Leia hid behind an alcove while Eddy pulled out his comlink.  
"C-3PO! We need your help!" he yelled. "Can you hear us?"  
"Yes, sir," said C-3PO.  
"We were about to escape when Ridin' Solo decided it was a good idea to cut off our only escape route by drawing the attention of those stupid Stomtroopers! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay?"  
Stormtroopers continued blasting down the corridor, preventing Eddy from hearing C-3PO.  
"What was that? We can't hear you over those loud blasts!"

* * *

"I said, all systems have been alerted to your presence, sir! The main entrance is your only way in or out. All other information on your level is restricted, so you're basically doomed unless you can find an alternate route!"  
"Hey, you, open up in there!" demanded a Stormtrooper.  
"Oh, dear. Luke's idea wasn't enough to keep them away. I say we follow Eddy's plan. Run!"  
The two droids panicked, running all over the room before bumping into each other and falling down.

* * *

"There's no other way out! 3PO's right! We're dead meat, guys!" cried Eddy, holding his blaster in fear.  
"The probability of us surviving this is none unless the movie script or the fanfic calls for it!" exclaimed Edd.  
"This is not a movie or fanfic," said Leia. "This is a death or death situation!"  
"Look out!" cried Ed. Suddenly, a combat droid appeared out of nowhere.  
"Oh dear... It's one of the prototype droids the Empire commissioned me to make in captivity!" said Edd.  
"You mean... You're responsible for the droid chasing after us?" asked Eddy.  
"N-no! You've got it all wrong! The Empire forced me to build these droids!"  
The combat droid started throwing metal discs with razor sharp edges like frisbees, hoping to get a clean shot.  
"Let me!" Edd immediately retaliated with a magnet to attract the blades. He got some protective gloves on before pulling the blades off and throwing them back at the droid. It was pretty much destroyed in a few hits, and the remaining blades flew into the wall. Even after that, Stormtroopers still wouldn't stop coming.  
"Now what?" asked Han. "We can't hold them off forever!"  
"This is clearly some rescue," said Leia. "You clearly came in here unprepared if you had a plan to get in but none to get out!"  
"Let Big Ed handle this! I have been trained in all the rebel arts!" Ed immediately grabbed Eddy's blaster and began blasting away. He managed to get a few shots in before the Stormtroopers managed to nick his helmet.  
"Hey, look, it's our boyfriends!" a voice called.  
"Oh, no, Kankers!" Ed cried as he dropped Eddy's blaster.  
"You nincompoops are so incompetent if you just flinch at the sight of anybody!" exclaimed Leia. "Let me handle this!"  
She took Eddy's blaster and shot at a grate next to Han.  
"What the heck do you think you're doing?" yelled Han.  
"Somebody has to save our skins, tough guy!"  
Next, she quickly shot the Kanker Sisters.  
"Ow! Uncle! Uncle!" cried Lee, clutching her chest, retreating.  
"Princess Peach could use some lessons from you," muttered Eddy as the princess started shooting the pouring Stormtroopers like crazy.  
"Thanks... Now get in the chute! I'll hold them off!"  
She picked Eddy up and dropped him into the garbage chute. Eddy screamed as he slid down.  
"And you! Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" Leia kicked Luke from behind to get him into the chute.  
Luke was screaming as he slid down the chute as well. Leia went in after him, taking Ed with her as well, but not before blasting a few more Stormtroopers.  
"This is going to be fun!" cried Ed.  
Han, Chewbacca, and Edd were next. Chewbacca sniffed the chute, hesitating.  
"I don't care what you smell, you furry oaf! Get in there and don't worry about it!"  
He kicked Chewbacca, who unwillingly went through the chute.  
"He's right! It smells so unsanitary!" complained Edd.  
"Well, your hat smells even worse!" Han replied. He took Edd's hat off and threw it down the chute. "When was the last time you took this smelly thing off?"  
"How dare you dispose of my hat!" reprimanded Edd, putting on a Stormtrooper helmet.  
"Well, then, why don't I dispose of you, too?" Han snapped back as he threw Edd down the chute as well. "You can join your never-washed sock! What a wacky bunch... Either I'm going to kill them, or I'm starting to like them!"  
Soon, he himself dived into the garbage chute.  
"Wahoo!" he exclaimed as he slid down with the others.

* * *

Phew! This is the longest chapter I have written for this fanfic so far!  
I can't wait for the Last Jedi!


	8. Escape Part 1

_**Star Eds  
**_ _A New Ed_

 _Chapter 8: Escape Part 1_

Author's Note: Okay, since I'm on winter break now, I figured I'd post another Star Eds chapter online. Besides, The Last Jedi came out earlier this month, and some of you may have liked it, and some of you did not. (May I ask you guys not to debate about it in the reviews? The movie is already as divisive as it is, and I really don't want anybody fueling the fire.)

Thanks for 800 views, guys!

* * *

One by one, everybody fell into the trash compactor.  
"So unsanitary!" exclaimed Edd, pulling his hat from the dump while Luke tried to open the hatchway. It seemed like this would be their way out. He shot his blaster at it, but the door deflected his shot. Everybody ducked as the shot bounced all over the room before disintegrating.  
"Luke!" said Leia. "Why not let Ed open this? He's pretty strong!"  
"Look, everybody, I'm a crocodile!" Ed called as he splashed around.  
"Eww!" everybody said to Ed.  
"Want to join me?"  
"No!"  
"Well, if Ed won't help, then maybe Chewie can pry this open," Luke suggested. Chewbacca moved him out of the way and aggressively pulled at the hatchway as he struggled to get it open.  
Han fell on top of Eddy.  
"Going through the garbage chute was a smart move," Han said sarcastically as he got off Eddy. "You've managed to discover an incredible smell!"  
Leia glared at him as she tried dislodging herself from the garbage.  
"Chewie, let Ed handle this," she told the Wookiee.  
"Hey, Eddy, I'm a crocodile!" exclaimed Ed as he clamped onto Eddy's leg.  
"Ow! Get off me!" Eddy snapped, trying to loosen Ed's grip on him.  
"Come on, let's get out of here. I can't wait for Private Monobrow to stop fooling around..." Han grumbled. "Chewie, out of the way!"  
"Wait! Stop!" cried Luke, Edd, and Eddy. But Han had already fired his shot.  
Everybody ducked once more as Han's blast zoomed around the room. Eddy, being a coward, simply jumped into the trash.  
"Nice going, _Captain Falcon!_ " Eddy yelled sarcastically.  
"What? I'm not throwing away my shot!"  
"Forget it," yelled Luke. "The hatch is blaster-proof!"  
"Magnetically sealed, to be specific!" added Edd.  
"Well, I tried!" Han barked at the two. "Maybe I can blast something else in here!"  
"Put that thing away! You're going to get us all killed!" screamed Leia.  
"Look, Your Worship, I had everything under control until _you_ showed up and landed us here!"  
"Me!? Why me!?"  
"Shut up!" yelled Eddy. He couldn't stand the arguing anymore. "We were doomed either way! Besides, they might have figured out that we went down here!"  
"It could be worse," snorted Leia while Chewbacca went back to banging at the hatch.

A humming Edd put on some gloves and picked up some scraps in case he wanted to build some newfangled machine before he was interrupted by a yelp from Luke.  
"You spoke too soon, cinnamon buns," said Eddy as soon as he heard a low growl.  
"There's something alive in there!" cried Luke as he was dragged into the trash. Everybody looked around the room for the source of the noise. Eventually, an ugly eyestalk popped up from the sewage.  
"Cool!" exclaimed Ed, diverting his attention to the creature, a Dianoga, under the sewage. "A mutant!"  
The creature immediately bonked him on the head with Luke's body before retreating.  
"Luke!" everybody cried.  
"We'll save you, kid!" yelled Han.  
"Alright, may as well... I'm already filthy as it is," said Edd.  
"This escape is getting fun!" yelled Ed as he immediately jumped into the trash.  
Everybody dug through the garbage to find their friend. Eventually, Ed emerged from the sea of waste with Luke in his hand.  
"Hi Luke!" he said, unaware that the Dianoga was strangling Luke to death.  
"Ed! Free Luke from the tentacle around his neck!" Edd called.  
"Oh, okay!"  
"Thanks, Ed," said Luke, trying to catch his breath.  
Right after Luke was freed, the tentacle grabbed Edd.  
"Oh, no, Double D!" cried Ed. Another tentacle grabbed Eddy. "Not you too, Eddy!"  
"Chewie, would you mind giving Ed a hand?" gagged Edd.  
As soon as Ed and Chewie came to assist the two, Ed felt a third tentacle grab his ankle. Unfortunately, despite his superhuman strength, he could not break loose of the Dianoga.  
"Go on! Go on without me!" Ed sobbed as Chewbacca tried prying the three Eds free from the tentacles.  
"That has to be the most cliche thing a soldier like you would say," Han fired back. "Kid! Princess! Blast the tentacles! Chewie! Stay clear!"  
Han, Leia, and Luke fired at the three tentacles, which immediately retreated with the three Eds. Chewbacca went back to banging at the hatch once more.  
"Eds!" the adults cried.  
They searched for the Eds, pointing their blasters at the ground in case the Dianoga came back. They were startled by a loud clang coming from the walls before a chuckling Ed emerged with Edd in one hand and Eddy in the other.  
"This is fun!" grinned Ed.  
"It just let go of us and disappeared!" yelled a garbage-soaked Eddy, coughing up filthy water. "I can't believe we even made it past that dirty creature!"  
"I am never, _ever_ going through a trash compactor ever again for the rest of my life!" snapped Edd, also coughing.

They were unable to rest, for the walls had started rumbling.  
"Who else has a bad feeling about this?" asked Eddy. The room seemed to very gradually get narrower and narrower while the edges of the scrap heap grew taller and taller.  
"Oh, dear, the walls appear to be closing in!" cried Edd.  
"Well, don't just stand there, find something to brace it!" yelled Leia, lifting a steel beam. "Someone help me with this steel beam!"  
Han helped Leia hold the beam up, pressing it against one end of the gradually approaching wall, while Luke and Edd held a second steel beam touching the end of the other beam and extending to the other side of the room. Eddy tried using Ed as a battering ram to try to smash through the hatch, but to no avail.  
Chewbacca pushed against the wall with all the force he could muster, but he couldn't keep it from closing in.  
"Curses! Our efforts to brace this have turned out to be rather futile!" Edd cried as the beams bent and the connection between them broke. "The walls are exerting too much pressure! It's useless!"  
"If the wall gets too close, we should use Ed to keep the walls from closing in!" Leia told Han. "He's very sturdy, by the way!"  
"You idiots! Let me handle this!" yelled Eddy, tossing Ed at Luke before he grabbed a comlink. "Mayday, 3PO! Mayday! Do you read me? Where could you be, you stupid bucket of bolts?"

* * *

A Stormtrooper, TK-456 blasted open the door to the commanding office and came in, followed by a few other Stormtroopers.  
"Take care of the corpse," he told one of his comrades. "The rest of you, search the room for the droids."  
It didn't take long for TK-765 to figure that C-3PO and R2-D2 were in the supply cabinet.  
"Over here!" he called as he opened the cabinet door, which slid open to reveal the two droids.  
"See those corpses? They've gone mad!" said C-3PO, faking fright. "They're headed to the prison level, and they're out for more! If you hurry, you might catch them!"  
"I hear you loud and clear," replied TK-456. "Everyone, move out! One of you watch these droids!"  
He left with all the troops except TK-765, who stayed behind under his leader's order to keep an eye on the droids.  
C-3PO grabbed the comlink and beckoned for R2 to come with him.  
"All this excitement from being freed has gotten my counterpart's circuits overrun with joy," he said as they approached TK-765. "I hope you won't mind if I take him down to maintenance."  
"Alright," said TK-765 as the droids left.

* * *

The steel beams were lying on their sides, having failed to do their job. Luke and Chewbacca braced themselves against the walls in a last-minute attempt to keep everybody from getting crushed.  
Ed giggled childishly as Han and Leia picked him up and wedged him horizontally between the closing walls. He seemed to get shorter and shorter as the walls kept closing in.  
"Your Highness, are you sure Ed is an effective beam substitute!" Edd questioned.  
"Shut up, Double D, and help us prop him up!" responded Leia. Edd did as he was told, despite his lack of muscle. "3PO! C-3PO! Hurry up already!" hollered Eddy into the comlink. "Ugh!"  
"Eddy, you're too impolite for 3PO's taste! Let me!" Edd interjected.  
"What do you think you're doing?" Han yelled as Edd went to Eddy and seized the comlink.

* * *

"They're not here," C-3PO panicked upon examining the docking bay. "R2, try to locate their whereabouts and see what happened to them. Hurry!"  
R2 plugged himself into another computer outlet and connected himself to access the imperial network again.  
He beeped to signal that he found their pals "Thank the maker they haven't been caught yet! But where could they be?"  
"3PO! Hear me out! This is Double D speaking! A little help here, please? We're in the garbage compactor!" Edd called from the comlink.  
"Master Double D?" C-3PO gasped. "This is C-3PO speaking. I hear your commands loud and clear."

"Thank goodness you're here, 3PO, but could you please shut down all the garbage mashers on detention level 5? We're about to get crushed!" cried Edd. At this point, everybody was trying to climb up the garbage and use themselves as human wedges. "Please, C-3PO! I beg you! Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!"  
"You heard Double D, tin can! Shut the trash-compactor thingies down already!" Eddy yelled.

"We repeat, shut them all down!" screamed an extremely frantic Edd and Eddy through the comlink.  
"You heard them, R2! Shut down the garbage mashers on Detention Level 5! Hurry!" cried C-3PO in desperation.  
R2 quickly accessed the virtual control panel for the garbage masher and disabled the mashers on said detention level.

Just when it seemed that everyone in the trash compactor was doomed, the walls suddenly stopped with a big clank. They celebrated when they took notice of this, screaming and hollering out of joy.

On the other side of the line, however, C-3PO misinterpreted the ruckus.  
"Oh, _no_ , they're dying! Just listen to them, R2!" he cried in agony. "I wasn't fast enough! It's my fault they're all dead!"  
"3PO?" asked Ed, grabbing the comlink. "3PO, you saved our lives! Give me a hug next time you see me!"  
"Master Ed!" exclaimed C-3PO before proceeding to scold Ed. "What have you gotten everybody into this time?"  
"You can blame Princess Leia for that," Ed grinned on the other side before Leia slapped him. "Ow..."  
"By the way, 3PO," Edd said, taking the comlink back from Ed to make a request. "Would you mind opening the pressure maintenance hatch on unit, umm... Does anyone know the number?"  
"3263827," said Han. "Got it from a readout earlier."  
"I'll have the hatch opened for you and your friends, Han Solo, sir," said C-3PO.  
The hatch in the trash compactor immediately opened. Edd heaved a sigh of relief.

* * *

When they got out of the compactor, Luke, Han, and Eddy ditched their disguises. They did, however, keep the utility belts and blasters on their persons just in case. "Well, if we can just avoid any more female advice," grumbled Han. "We ought to be able to get out of here."  
"How rude!" everybody else gasped.  
Suddenly, they heard the noise of the dianoga again.  
Chewbacca went ahead of everybody else, alerted by the noise.  
Luke turned around to see the dianoga in the trash compactor.  
"Umm, guys, I think we should get going too..." he said.  
"I'll handle this!" yelled Han, pulling out his blaster.  
"Yeah, me too!" said Eddy.  
"No, wait!" cried Leia and Edd. "They'll hear!"  
But Eddy and Han pulled their triggers already. The dianoga retreated after the blast.  
"What was the big idea, mister?" Edd questioned.  
"Look, I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but from now on, you do as I tell you," demanded Leia.  
"Listen, Your Worshipfulness, I take orders from only one person: Me. I do what I want when I want. Or when I get the money to do what you want."  
"It's a miracle you're still alive. How did I get stuck with a bunch of morons like you in the first place?"  
"Hey, don't look at me!" Eddy barked. "The author made it that way!"  
"What author? Why do you talk to some stupid figment of your imagination, you short dunce?"  
"Short? Why, you-"  
Eddy somehow got his mouth erased with a pencil eraser.  
"Mfee? Mffe awfurr duff exifft!"  
"Am I the only sane one out of all of us?" questioned Leia.  
"Maybe," everybody else replied.  
"No reward is worth all this slander," said Han.  
"Excuse me, princess, but don't you think you're going over the top?" asked Edd.

* * *

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan made it to one of the tractor beam power generators in a trench. To avoid being seen, he snuck off the path to the back of the generator, where the controls were conveniently placed. With a pull of a lever and a turn of a knob, he managed to disable the generator, and effectively, the tractor beam itself. Once he had just finished disabling the power generators, he noticed some Stormtroopers marching through the trench. He watched them pass, waiting for an opportunity to make his getaway.  
"You know what's going on?" asked a Stormtrooper.  
"It's probably just a drill," said his accomplice.  
They started having a conversation, and while they were distracted, Obi-Wan snuck past them. For good measure, he used the force to make an outgassing noise to distract them while he got away. When he got to the door, he quickly glanced at them to make sure they were still distracted before he left.

* * *

Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, and the Eds were running through the hall before they stopped at a bay window. They could see the Millenium Falcon being guarded by Stormtroopers.  
"There she is," said Han. "The Millenium Falcon."  
"Cool ride," Ed commented.  
"Looks, err... I'd hate to say, a little _battered_ ," Edd added.  
"Trust me, you don't want to get the broken seatbelt," said Luke.  
"Or maybe _you_ can sit in the smuggling compartment," Eddy snarked.  
"Eddy, why must you be so rude?"  
"Suck it up, kids, it's the best you'll get," smiled Han.  
"C-3PO!" yelled Eddy into the comlink. "Do you copy?"  
"Yes Master Eddy," replied C-3PO. "We're waiting in the main hangar across from the ship."  
"Well, no need to worry, we'll be there soon!" Eddy grinned confidently. "We're right above ya, Goldilocks!"  
"Goldilocks?" C-3PO asked in confusion.  
Eddy shut off the comlink before C-3PO could pester him any further.  
"You came in that thing?" Leia asked Han. "That's pretty impressive!"  
"What, did you expect some prince to arrive in a fancy schmancy ship?"  
"I don't need a prince, thank you very much..."  
"Ah, whatever. Now let's go!"  
They continued running towards the Falcon.

Suddenly, however, they were intercepted by a group of Stormtroopers.  
"It's them!" one called.  
"Blast them!" another ordered.  
Ed took Han pulled out his blaster, both starting to fire at the Stormtroopers. There were a few casualties, and the rest began to retreat.  
"Get back to the ship!" hollered Han as he and Chewbacca started chasing after the squadron.  
"What!? You can't just ditch us like that!" yelled Eddy. "Get back here!"  
Eddy started to chase after Han and Chewbacca, but Luke and Edd restrained him.  
"Whatever he's doing, he sure is courageous," said Leia.  
"I'm really worried about him," said Edd. "He could get himself killed, for heaven's sake!"  
"He's the captain of the ship! We can't go without him!" said Luke.  
While they were standing there, Edd pulled something out of his pocket.  
"Would you like a piece of buttered toast, Ed?" he asked Ed. "After all, you'll need all the energy you can get!"  
"Hey, I have a better idea!" yelled Eddy, climbing on to Ed. He pulled a fishing rod out of nowhere and hooked the buttered toast onto it. "How about this?"  
"You have a way with your ideas, Eddy," Edd replied as Eddy helped him up. "Although it's not the nicest thing to do..."  
"Who cares? They're ganging up on us! Let's go already!"  
"Run away!" hollered Ed, carrying Edd and Eddy while Luke and Leia followed from behind. "Those evil Stormtroopers shall not catch us!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Han chased the retreating Stormtroopers through hallways and corridors with an aggressive battle yell. Soon, he got to the entrance of the docking bay, but there was a cluster of Stormtroopers completely blocking the door. Shots were exchanged while Han backpedaled. Han managed to hit a few of the Stormtroopers while dodging every one of their shots. Chewie ran after Han, bue he stopped once he saw Han being chased by the Stormtroopers. He quickly went the other direction with Han and they fled together, blasting the troops as they fled.  
However, within a minute or two, they found themselves blocked by another one of the combat droids. Han and Chewbacca were surrounded on both sides.  
Han and Chewbacca battled the enemies back-to-back, with Chewbacca fighting the Stormtroopers and Han dealing with the combat droid.  
Chewbacca shot at the Stormtroopers while Han fended off the combat droid.  
The combat droid shot a flamethrower at Han, who quickly dodged it. Chewbacca managed to dodge it as well, making the Stormtroopers catch fire.  
Chewbacca blasted at the fire to fuel it so that the Stormtroopers turned into crisps, collapsing on the ground.  
The droid shot another flamethrower, but Han got a fire extinguisher from the wall to put out the flames. The combat droid was about to fire a third shot, but Han jammed its cannon with the extinguisher. He squeezed the trigger and the combat droid exploded. Afterwards, Han sprayed the corpses in order to keep the fire from spreading.  
"Every smuggler needs a fire extinguisher handy," Han smirked at Chewbacca, taking the extinguisher and cramming it into his pocket. "You never know when your smuggled goods catch on fire."

* * *

When they stopped at a branching path in the hallway, Ed chuckled while everybody else panted, trying to catch their breath.  
"You were going too fast!" whined Luke, huffing harder than everybody else.  
"Who cares?!" Eddy yelled. "Look on the bright side, _Crywalker_! We lost them!"  
"But we can't run forever..."  
"Fine! If we're going too fast, then split from us and go away!" yelled Eddy. "I don't want to hear your whining or bossing around anymore!"  
"Fine with me!" yelled Leia, taking the branching path.  
"I'll go with the princess!" declared Luke.  
"Oh, right, because we're sick of each other!" quipped Eddy.  
"Ed and I will go with Eddy, then," proposed Edd.  
"Ed, Edd n Eddy, I like the sound of that!" exclaimed Ed.  
"Not too loud," Eddy whispered. "They might find us!"  
"Well, considering that you yourself are pretty loud," mumbled Edd. "You're the most likely to get the three of us in trouble."  
"It's that kid the Empire's been looking for!" called a Stormtrooper. The Imperial soldiers had caught up with the Eds.  
"Uh-oh! We'd better run, Double D!" Eddy cried as they started off again, running through the main hallway.  
"Who knew how loud that intruder could be?" the Stormtrooper asked his comrade.

* * *

Luke and Leia were running through the branched path. Unlike the Eds, the Stormtroopers hadn't caught up to them. Their luck was about to change when another combat droid suddenly appeared in front of the two.  
The combat droid threw several punches at Luke, connecting every time.  
Leia backed away just to see if Luke could fare against his opponent. She found the fight very amusing.  
"Luke!" she called. "Fight! You're not even trying!"  
"But-"  
"Just do it!"  
Luke took Leia's words and started kicking at the combat droid, failing miserably. The combat droid started firing lightning bolts at Luke, electrocuting him.  
The combat droid pinned Luke against the wall and aimed its cannon, ready to fire a more intense bolt at him.  
Luke was pretty sure he was doomed until Leia shot the combat droid in the back.  
"You clearly are a wimp, Luke," mumbled Leia. "Just one shot and it's dead."  
They continued running after the combat droid was defeated.

* * *

Ed, Edd, and Eddy were being chased by the Stormtroopers blasting at them. Ed boldly took Eddy's blaster and fired back at them while they ran. Soon, they made it to an open hatch, where they were to run across a bridge. However, the bridge was retracted and they found themselves stopping at the end of a ledge. Eddy lost his balance, almost falling into the deep abyss below, but Ed and Edd managed to pull him back.  
"We seem to have taken a wrong turn!" Edd's voice echoed. "It's a dead end!"  
"It's a trap!" exclaimed Ed.  
"They're coming!" yelled Eddy, spotting the Stormtroopers. "Quick! Double D! Shut the door!"  
The Stormtroopers caught up to them, blasting shots at the three before Edd shut the blast door.  
"Oh, dear, there's no lock! What do we do?" Edd asked his friends.  
"I'll take care of this!" Eddy replied impulsively. He took his blaster back from Ed and blasted the door controls. "There! That'll hold them for a while!"  
"I don't think that was the best idea, Eddy, but I guess it will have to do! Now all we've got to do is find the controls to extend the bridge!"  
"The controls... Oh, no! I think I blasted it!"  
"How reckless of you, Eddy!" chastised Edd. He then tried desperately to repair the controls.  
"They're closing in, Eddy!" cried Ed, spotting the Stormtroopers on the other side. "This is very bad!"  
"Just shoot!" ordered Eddy, giving his blaster to Ed once more. Ed was able to counter the Stormtroopers at first, but then Edd heard the blast door behind them whirring.  
"Oh, my, the door's opening!" he cried as he looked up from the control panel. "We have to find a way to get across!  
"I'll be seeing bluer skies soon, Eddy!" Ed cried when the Stormtroopers started overwhelming him.  
"Bluer skies..." Edd stopped trying to repair the controls for a moment and scrutinized the structures hanging from the ceiling. "Ed, you're a genius! Eddy, surely you must have something in your utility belt that we can use!"  
"What's the point? We're doomed either way!"  
"Just look, Eddy!"  
Eddy looked in his Stormtrooper belt. He pulled out a bunch of useless utilities until he found a grappling hook.  
"Great, now throw it at the ceiling!" Edd exclaimed. Eddy did as he was told, quicky unraveling the string attached to the hook. The blast door opened a little more every second as he aimed the hook and threw it upwards. The hook successfully latched onto one of the structures.

"Now, Eddy, how are we going to successfully get across as quick as possible?" asked Edd. The blast door behind them was now less than halfway open.  
"We all swing at once," said Eddy.  
"But what about our combined weight? We might not be able to make it across!"  
"Quit your yapping, sockhead, and just trust me!"  
"Well, now that I think about it, our combined weight might produce more gravitational pull, increasing momentum-"  
"We're wasting time, Mr. Self-Contradictor! The door's almost open! We'll be Bantha fodder if-"  
Suddenly, without thought, Ed grabbed Edd and Eddy and swung across the chasm. Edd and Eddy were screaming, scared out of their wits. When they made it to the other end, their combined force knocked down the Stormtroopers on the other side, but they started swinging backwards. Soon, they had lost momentum, finding themselves in the middle of the chasm. The Eds fearfully looked down before they dropped from the tether.  
"Oh, no, Double D! What do we do now?" Ed cried.  
"I don't know!" "Just think of something, will ya?" asked Eddy. "We're plunging to our doom!"  
"Alright, I'll try!" Edd quickly pulled a strange gadget from his pocket. "I'm not sure this will work, but let's try this! I call it the Hookshot!"  
"I think I might have heard that from somewhere before..." Eddy replied as Edd aimed the Hookshot at the rim of the door. Once the Hookshot latched on, it pulled the Eds toward the platform as Eddy blasted the Stormtroopers. They had successfully made it to the other side of the chasm.  
"Thanks, Double D!" Eddy said to Edd as they made their escape.  
"No problem," replied Edd. "Now all we have to do is to get to your pilot's ship!"  
Indeed, that scavenging in the trash compactor had paid off.

* * *

Part 2 will be coming next month! Stay tuned!


End file.
